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David Beckham Jokes

What's the difference between David Beckham and a cunt?
A cunt is useful.

What has Posh Spice and the England team got in common?
They both get screwed by David Beckham.

What have a Cartier watch and David Beckham got in common?
Both come in a Posh Box.

What's the difference between David Beckham and Posh Spice?
Posh spice doesn't kickback when taken from behind.

When he got to New York after the match Posh Spice cooked him a special meal including pheasant. David didn't want it as he preferred to get in the jacuzzi. Its not the first time he's thrown the game for an early bath.

What's the difference between David Beckham and a new Airfix model?
One's a glueless kit...

What's the similarity between Val Doonican and David Beckham?
They are both fucking crap singers.

What would David Beckham's name be if he was a Spice Girl?
Waste of Spice.

What have Posh Spice and David Beckham got in common?
They're both fucking crap footballers.

David Beckham walks into a pub.
The barman says "Pint, Dave?"
Beckham replies "No, just a half then I'm off."

Why does Posh Spice always go on top when she and Beckham are having sex?
Beckham can only fuck up.

What do Beckham and Ferrero Rocher have in common?
They both come in posh boxes.

What is the difference between an English tea bag and the English football team??
The tea bag stays in the cup longer!

What do you call a girl with two cunts?
Posh Spice.

David Beckham walks into a sperm donor bank, "I'd like to donate some sperm" he says to the receptionist.
"Certainly Sir" replies the receptionist, "have you donated before?".
"Yes" replies Beckham "you should have my details on your computer".
"Oh yes, I've found your details" says the receptionist "but I see you're going to need help. Shall I call Posh Spice for you?"
"Why do I need help to donate sperm?" asks Beckham. The receptionist replies "Well, it says on your record that you're a useless wanker..."

David Beckham goes down to breakfast with Posh Spice. She takes one look at him and fawns, "Mmm, David you look great." Not one to miss his cue, Beckham does the necessary: pretty soon, they're getting down to a good old bit of heavy petting on the kitchen table. Posh Spice runs her hands over his body, and whispers, "Mmm, David - you feel great, too." Then she nuzzles up to him and the next thing he knows, she's pulled away from him in disgust. "Yeugh, David you smell absolutely terrible".
Poor, sensitive lad that he is, Beckham is a bit perturbed by this revelation. He decides to seek a bit of practical help from his doctor. So off he toddles to the surgery, and says, "Doctor, I think there's something wrong with me. I look great and I feel great, but I smell absolutely terrible." The doc ponders these symptoms, and elects to give Beckham a thorough physical examination. Once he's done this, he nods sagely, and says, "Yes, I think I've found out what's wrong with you, Mr Beckham."
"What is it, Doctor?" pipes up the plucky young pretty-boy. The doc replies, "You're a cunt."

Glenn Hoddle dies and goes to Heaven. He's met at the gates by God himself - as is customary for VERY important people. God shows him promptly to The England dressing room - a large room full of clocks. Each of the clocks has a minute hand only and a small inscription bearing a name. They're all there from Sir Alf to Owen. The players who have preceeded Glenn to the Great Wembley Way in the sky, including Glenn's clock, were all moving forward at the right pace. But all the players who were still alive's clocks were stationary - until Glenn looked closer and he noticed that ever now and again the clock of one player or another would loose half an hour. "What's that all about then?" Glenn asks God.
"Ah, well every time one of your boys has a wank they knock half an hour of their lives."
"Oh," says Glenn, and he has another look - LeSaux's clock goes back by half an hour....Then Campbell's does. Glenn has a closer look - "Where's Beckhams clock then?"
"Ah well, we've got that one in the office - we're using it as a fan!"

David Beckham was driving his Ferrari around when he almost crashed into a truck. The trucker got out and went up to David and started shouting at him. David said "Yeah,yeah can I just go now?" The trucker marked out a circle and said to him "I need to get something out my truck don't go out of the circle till I get back"
He went to his truck and came back with a sledge hammer he walked up to David's car and smashed the windscreen. He turned around and David started laughing. So he got a stake and popped the tires. David started laughing harder. He poured lighter fluid on the car and set it alight. David was peeing himself!
The trucker said to him "What are you doing? I've just fucked up your Ferrari."
And David said "I know.... but each time you turn around I jump out the circle!"
[submitted by Peter Baudains]

Mrs Beckham wants to buy a microwave. So she goes in and asks the salesman, "How much for that microwave?" The salesman replies, "We don't sell Microwaves to thick Beckhams." So the next day she dyes her hair red, dresses in disguise, and goes in and asks the same question. The sales clerk answers, "We don't sell microwaves to Beckhams." So the next day she puts on a bowler hat, suit, wig and false beard and goes and asks the same question. The salesclerk replies the same way. Posh then asks how he knows she is Mrs Beckham. The clerk says, "That isn't a microwave it's a TV."

Victoria Beckham was on a modelling assignment recently being photographed in some sexy lingerie when a rather revealing gusset showed off a handful of her pubic hair. The hairdresser tutted and immediately cut them off with a nimble pair of scissors saying to her "You know, you wouldn't have these problems if you shaved the hair on that twat of yours!". The rest, they say, is history...
[submitted by Paul Bourner]

Man Utd are playing Chelsea at Old Trafford one Saturday afternoon. Fifteen minutes into the game George Weah is adjudged to have fouled Jaap Stam at a corner and furiously shouts and remonstrates at the ref. Upon seeing this, Beckham goes up to Weah, puts a finger up to his lips and says "Shhhhh".Then he bursts out laughing and runs off leaving Weah somewhat bewildered. Ten minutes later Dwight Yorke puts the reds one up after sloppy defending and George is furious at his defence and shouts at them to get their act together. Once again Beckham comes up to Weah, says "Shhhh", starts wetting himself laughing and runs off again. Weah turns to his equally puzzled team-mates but they all shrug their shoulders in confusion too. Just before half time old George loses his cool again and shouts at a linesman and for a third time Beckham repeats his strange act. The half time whistle goes and as the players walk off, Roy Keane goes to Beckham and says "Hey Becks, whats all that about with Weah then?" Beckham whispers something in Keane's ear and the Irishman looks to the heavens and says to Beckham "No you twat.., he's a Liberian!"
[submitted by Paul Bourner]

Snow White, Arnold Swcharzenegger and Saddam Hussein are having a conversation, Snow White say's "I am the most beautiful divine woman in the world, but how do I know?" Arnie says "I am hunkiest man in the world but how do I know?", Saddam says 'I'm the most despised person in the world but how do I know?". "I know" says Snow White "let's ask the Wise Man". So off they go.... Snow White comes out of the wise mans house and says "Yes it's true, I am the most beautiful divine woman in the world", Arnie comes out and says "Yes it's true I am hunkiest man in the world", Saddam comes out and says "Who's David Beckham?"
[submitted by Paul Bourner]

Alex Ferguson is on his way to training one morning and, as usual, stops by David beckham's house to give him a lift. He knocks at the door, only for it to be answered by a pale and drawn looking Beckham.
"Och, David. Your no looking too good this morning"
"For sure, Mr Ferguson, I am under the weather"
"Ah no worries, you can have the day off today. Is there anythin' I can get youse?"
David asks Alex for some groceries and off Fergie goes to the cliff. On his way home he stops off at Tescos and who should he bump into but Gerard Houllier.
"A-ha, monsoir Ferguson. What are you doing 'ere?" asks the Liverpool boss.
"I've just got these here carrots for David beckham"
"Ah, monsoir Ferguson. You are indeed an exceptional businessman!"
[submitted by Paul Bourner]

David Beckham is on top of the main stand at Old Trafford ready to jump off after a nightmare first half of the Premiership and World Cup campaign. He's lost the World Cup for England by getting himself sent off and everyone and his dog hates him, Posh Spice has dumped him for Michael Owen and United have put him on the transfer market for 10 quid because he's playing shite. As he's about to jump off Father Christmas taps him on the shoulder. "Are you OK, David?" asks Father Christmas. David explains his life is a mess and gets ready to jump... "STOP!" shouts Father Christmas. "I'll grant you three wishes on the understanding that you do me a favor". "That would be top!" says Beckham "Cheers, Father Christmas, thank you, thank you". Father Christmas asks him for his three wishes:
1) In the Argentina match I don't kick the Argy but shoot from the freekick and score, and ENGLAND go on to win the World Cup and I'm a National hero.
2) I marry Posh Spice and live in happiness.
3) I'm made best footballer in the world by FIFA and my wages go up to a million a week.
"OK, I'll grant your three wishes after you've done my little favor" said Father Christmas. " What do I have to" says Beckham. Father Christmas tells Beckham to drop his pants and bend over. After a brutal rogering, Father Christmas asks Beckham how old he is. "24" replies Beckham "Aren't you a bit old to believe in Father Christmas!!" laughs the fat, gay Man City fan.
[submitted by Paul Bourner]

David Beckham is visiting a school. In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a 'tragedy'. One little boy stands up and offers "that if my best friend who lives next door was playing in the street and a car came along and killed him that would be a tragedy." "No", Beckham says "that would be an accident." A girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved..... that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not." explains Beckham. "That is what we would call a great loss."
The room is silent, none of the children volunteer. "What?" asks Beckham. "Isn't there any one here who can give me an example of a tragedy?" Finally a boy in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he says "If an aeroplane carrying David Beckham was blown up by a bomb, that would be a tragedy." "Wonderful," Beckham beams. "Marvellous, and can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," says the boy "because it wouldn't be an accident and it certainly wouldn't be a great loss."
[submitted by Paul Bourner]

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