| Add to favourites |
|
|
|
| RealHumour: UK Humour Portal V2 | articles | images | toplist | links |
|
David Beckham JokesWhat's the difference between David Beckham and a cunt? What has Posh Spice and the England team got in common? What have a Cartier watch and David Beckham got in common? What's the difference between David Beckham and Posh Spice? When he got to New York after the match Posh Spice cooked him a special meal including pheasant. David didn't want it as he preferred to get in the jacuzzi. Its not the first time he's thrown the game for an early bath. What's the difference between David Beckham and a new Airfix model? What's the similarity between Val Doonican and David Beckham? What would David Beckham's name be if he was a Spice Girl? What have Posh Spice and David Beckham got in common? David Beckham walks into a pub. Why does Posh Spice always go on top when she and Beckham are having sex? What do Beckham and Ferrero Rocher have in common? What is the difference between an English tea bag and the English football team?? What do you call a girl with two cunts? David Beckham walks into a sperm donor bank, "I'd like to donate some sperm" he says to the receptionist. David Beckham goes down to breakfast with Posh Spice. She takes one look at him and fawns, "Mmm, David you look great." Not one to miss his cue, Beckham does the necessary: pretty soon, they're getting down to a good old bit of heavy petting on the kitchen table. Posh Spice runs her hands over his body, and whispers, "Mmm, David - you feel great, too." Then she nuzzles up to him and the next thing he knows, she's pulled away from him in disgust. "Yeugh, David you smell absolutely terrible". Glenn Hoddle dies and goes to Heaven. He's met at the gates by God himself - as is customary for VERY important people. God shows him promptly to The England dressing room - a large room full of clocks. Each of the clocks has a minute hand only and a small inscription bearing a name. They're all there from Sir Alf to Owen. The players who have preceeded Glenn to the Great Wembley Way in the sky, including Glenn's clock, were all moving forward at the right pace. But all the players who were still alive's clocks were stationary - until Glenn looked closer and he noticed that ever now and again the clock of one player or another would loose half an hour. "What's that all about then?" Glenn asks God. David Beckham was driving his Ferrari around when he almost crashed into a truck. The trucker got out and went up to David and started shouting at him. David said "Yeah,yeah can I just go now?" The trucker marked out a circle and said to him "I need to get something out my truck don't go out of the circle till I get back" Mrs Beckham wants to buy a microwave. So she goes in and asks the salesman, "How much for that microwave?" The salesman replies, "We don't sell Microwaves to thick Beckhams." So the next day she dyes her hair red, dresses in disguise, and goes in and asks the same question. The sales clerk answers, "We don't sell microwaves to Beckhams." So the next day she puts on a bowler hat, suit, wig and false beard and goes and asks the same question. The salesclerk replies the same way. Posh then asks how he knows she is Mrs Beckham. The clerk says, "That isn't a microwave it's a TV." Victoria Beckham was on a modelling assignment recently being photographed in some sexy lingerie when a rather revealing gusset showed off a handful of her pubic hair. The hairdresser tutted and immediately cut them off with a nimble pair of scissors saying to her "You know, you wouldn't have these problems if you shaved the hair on that
twat of yours!". The rest, they say, is history... Man Utd are playing Chelsea at Old Trafford one Saturday afternoon. Fifteen minutes into the game George Weah is adjudged to have fouled Jaap Stam at a corner and furiously shouts and remonstrates at the ref. Upon seeing this, Beckham goes up to Weah, puts a finger up to his lips and says "Shhhhh".Then he bursts out laughing and runs off leaving Weah somewhat bewildered. Ten minutes later Dwight Yorke puts the reds one up after sloppy defending and George is furious at his defence and shouts at them to get their act together. Once again Beckham comes up to Weah, says "Shhhh", starts wetting himself laughing and runs off again. Weah turns to his equally puzzled team-mates but they all shrug their shoulders in confusion too.
Just before half time old George loses his cool again and shouts at a linesman and for a third time Beckham repeats his strange act. The half time whistle goes and as the players walk off, Roy Keane goes to Beckham and says "Hey Becks, whats all that about with Weah then?" Beckham whispers something in Keane's ear and the Irishman looks to the heavens and says to Beckham "No you twat.., he's a Liberian!" Snow White, Arnold Swcharzenegger and Saddam Hussein are having a conversation, Snow White say's "I am the most beautiful divine woman in the world, but how do I know?" Arnie says "I am hunkiest man in the world but how do I know?", Saddam says 'I'm the most despised person in the world but how do I know?". "I know" says Snow White "let's ask the Wise Man". So off they go.... Snow White comes out of the wise mans house and says "Yes it's true, I am the most beautiful divine woman in the world", Arnie comes out and says "Yes it's true I am hunkiest man in the world", Saddam comes out and says "Who's David Beckham?" Alex Ferguson is on his way to training one morning and, as usual, stops by David beckham's house to give him a lift. He knocks at the door, only for it to be answered by a pale and drawn looking Beckham. David Beckham is on top of the main stand at Old Trafford ready to jump off after a nightmare first half of the Premiership and World Cup campaign. He's lost the World Cup for England by getting himself sent off and everyone and his dog hates him, Posh Spice has dumped him for Michael Owen and United have put him on the transfer market for 10 quid because he's playing shite. As he's about to jump off Father Christmas taps him on the shoulder. "Are you OK, David?" asks Father Christmas. David explains his life is a mess and gets ready to jump... "STOP!" shouts Father Christmas. "I'll grant you three wishes on the understanding that you do me a favor". "That would be top!" says Beckham "Cheers, Father Christmas, thank you, thank you". Father Christmas asks him for his three wishes: David Beckham is visiting a school. In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a 'tragedy'. One little boy stands up and offers "that if my best friend who lives next door was playing in the street and a car came along and killed him that would be a tragedy." "No", Beckham says "that would be an accident."
A girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved..... that would be a tragedy." |
|
| articles | images | toplist | links | Copyright © RealHumour 2003 |
