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Bill Clinton Jokes

A recent poll of American women asked the question: Would you sleep 
with Bill Clinton?
94% responded "Never again"

How does Bill keep Monica Lewinsky away from the White House?
He keeps offering to send Ted Kennedy over to give her a ride.

How does Bill Clinton teach a woman to golf?
He starts with the irons and ends up in the woods.

What's the definition of an Arkansas Virgin?
A girl that can run faster than the Governor.

What does Teddy Kennedy have that Bill Clinton wishes he did?
A dead girlfriend.

Why is Clinton so interested in events in the Middle East?
He thinks the Gaza Strip is a topless bar.

One unfortunate day, Bill Clinton and the Pope both died, Clinton 
was condemned to Hell and Pope was going to be sent to Heaven. But 
this all got muddled up and they were sent to the wrong places. So,
an angel was sent down to Hell to get the Pope and a devil was sent 
up to get Clinton, as they were being led towards their destination, 
they met in the middle.
"I'm really looking forward to meeting the Virgin Mary," the Pope 
said. "Ermm, you're 5 minutes too late," replied Clinton.

Bill and Hillary are on a sinking boat. Who gets saved?
The nation.

Al Gore and Hillary Clinton wanted to play a joke on the president.  
So she called Bill Clinton at the oval office.  When he answed,  
Hillary told him that she was pregnant.  The president didn't say 
anything for five minutes.  Then he finally came out of it, and said, 
"Who is this?"

Many of people have ridden the titanic, same with Clinton, so lets call 
him the Clintanic.

Hillary had an accident and an early demise.  Arriving at the Pearly 
Gates, she stomped up to the head of the line at St. Peter's desk. St. 
Peter politely informed her that down on Earth she may have had 
privileges, but up here she would have to wait her turn in line. While 
waiting, she noticed one wall covered with hundreds of thousands of 
clocks and she noticed that occasionally one would jump ahead by 15 
minutes. She asked the person sitting next to her what this was all 
about. "Well, as I understand it, each of these clocks represents some 
man down on Earth.  Each time he commits adultery, his time is advanced 
by 15 minutes."
"Can you tell me which is my husband's clock?"  Hillary asked St. Peter.
"Oh, yes," St. Peter replied.  "God has it in his office.  He uses it as 
a fan."

Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb and Don Juan were having a terrible fight. 
"I am the most beautiful person in the world," proclaimed Sleeping 
Beauty. "No, you're not," answered Don Juan and Tom Thumb.
"I am the smallest person in the  world," shouted Tom Thumb.
"No,  you're not," said Sleeping Beauty and Don Juan.
"I've had more lovers than any person in the world," announced Don 
Juan. "No, you haven't" replied  Tom Thumb and Sleeping Beauty.
Well, they  decided that if the three were to get along, they needed a 
mediator, and decided  that Merlin, clearly the smartest person in the 
world, would be ideal. Merlin agreed and summoned them all to his palace, 
where he announced he would meet with them one at a time. Sleeping Beauty 
went in first and not a minute later  came out beaming "I am the most 
beautiful person in the world, Merlin said so."
In went Tom Thumb and out he came as quickly as had  Sleeping Beauty: 
"I am the smallest person in the world, Merlin agrees."
In goes Don Juan and in he stays, a half hour, an hour, an hour and a 
half later. Finally, he emerges distraught, muttering, "Who the hell is 
Bill Clinton?"

Jerry Falwell was seated next to President Clinton on a recent flight. 
After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink 
orders. The President asked for a whiskey & soda, which was brought and 
placed before him. The attendant then asked the minister if he would also 
like a drink.  The minister replied in disgust, "Miss, I'd rather be 
wantonly seduced by a brazen whore than let liquor touch these lips!" 
The President then handed his drink back to the attendant and said,  
"I'm sorry, I didn't know that was a choice..."

What do Bill Gates and Bill Clinton have in common?
They're both being investigated for their GUI applications.

Why did Clinton quit playing the sax?
Because now he's playing with his "Whore Monica"

Know how Monica conceals evidence?
She keeps her mouth shut!

Why was Clinton yelling at Monica's dress?
He saw a commercial that said if you have a stain, "Shout it out!

What does Monica Lewinsky have on her Resume?
"Sat on the Presidential Staff"

What were Clinton's fist words to Paula Jones at the deposition?
"So now you open your mouth!"

Why was it difficult for Clinton to fire Monica Lewinsky?
He couldn't give her a pink slip without asking her to try it on

What code phrase did Betty Currie, the President's personal 
secretary, use to let Clinton know Monica Lewinsky was coming 
down for a visit?"
"Your Jew's harpist is here to play 'Hail to the Chief.'"

What do Monica Lewinsky and Bob Dole have in common?
They were both upset when Bill finished first.

What do you get when you cross a crooked lawyer and a sleazy
Chelsea Clinton.

What do Monica Lewinsky and Ken Starr have in common?
They both want Clinton's head.

Who in the FBI lab will analyze the stain?
The guy that picked the shortest straw?

Who's paying for Monica's new lawyers?
Wannabe president, Al Gore.

What does Clinton say to interns as they leave his office?
Don't hit your head on the desk.

Why isn't President Clinton going to bring the troops back from the
Persian Gulf anytime soon?
Because there are so many husbands away from so many wives it will
take him months to catch up.

What is Bill's idea of safe sex?
When Hillary is out of town.

What did Ms. Lewinsky was allegedly say when offered a position at
the the U.N?
Would that, then, be a "missionary position?"

Did you hear Hillary Clinton hired a new intern for Bill?
Lorena Bobbit.

What does the band now play when Clinton enters the room?
Kneel to the Chief.

Did you hear about the Bill Clinton sale at clothing stores on
President's day?
All pants half off.

What do Monica Lewinsky and the Buffalo Bills have in common?
They both blew the big one several times.

Do you know why Bill Clinton doesn't use bookmarks?
Because he likes to bend pages.

Why is America called the land of opportunity?
Because only in America could the lowest intern bring down the most
powerful man.

Who are the three most dangerous women in Washington?
1.Monica Lewinsky with a lawyer
2.Hillary Clinton with a theory
3.An intern with a chipped tooth

What do Monica and O.J. Simpson have in common?
They both suffer from sore knees!

What is Monica Lewinsky's favorite instrument?
Well, she's pretty good on the skin flute, but she really sucks 
on the organ.

How many full time White House Staff Members does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
None, they make the interns do all the screwing.

Why would Bill Clinton be such a bad carpenter?
Because every time he screws, his cabinet falls apart.

How does the White House know that the latest scandal will blow 
over soon?
Because the President unzipped his pants and didn't see his shadow.

Did you hear that Certs signed on Monica Lewinsky as a spokesperson?
Her new slogan is "It's the perfect cover up!"

What did Bill say to Hillary after sex?
I'll be home in 20 minutes!

Why is Hillary supporting Bill?
She needs him in office to give her a pardon!

What's the difference between Clinton and a screwdriver?
A screwdriver turns in screws, and Clinton screws in-terns.

What will history remember Bill Clinton as?
The President after Bush.

How are Bill and Monica different?
One won't come clean and the other won't clean cum.

What did Clinton say to Al Gore about the whole affair?
"Pardon Me"

How did Bill reply regarding questions of "coaching" Monica's
"It wasn't words I put in her mouth."

How do you know Bill Clinton is done having sex?
You have to wipe the "White-Water" off your blouse...

What`s the difference between Hugh Grant and Bill Clinton ?
One`s a bad actor whose career went down the toilet after he got
caught out getting a blow job. The other was the star of Four 
Weddings and a Funeral.

What did Ronald Reagan say after hearing President Clinton's latest
State of the Union speech?
You know, Nancy, the man is a better actor than I ever was.

What was the first thing Monica saw in government?
The Executive Branch.

What's the new favorite game at the White House?
Swallow the leader.

What's the difference between Bill Clinton and the Titanic?
Only 1500 people went down on the Titanic.

Did you hear that Monica Lewinsky is going to give a statement to
the press?
They're billing it as The State of His Unit Undressed.

What is the difference between George Washington, Richard Nixon, and
Bill Clinton?
Washington couldn't tell a lie, Nixon couldn't tell the truth, and
Clinton doesn't know the difference.

Why does the presidential limo have tilt steering?
More head room.

Why can't they prosecute Bill Clinton?
Monica swallowed the evidence.

What do the Nixon and Clinton administrations have in common?
A crooked Dick in the Oval Office.

What do Monica Lewinsky and Soda Pop machines have in common?
They both have slots which say "Insert 'Bill" here."

Why does Monica Lewinsky have such puffy cheeks?
She's withholding evidence.

What's the worst thing Bill ever heard during sex?
"Honey, I'm home!!"

What's the difference between Monica Lewinsky and the rest of us?
To get some dick in the White House, we just voted.

What's Bill's new pick up line?
"Would you be interested in a position under the president?"

Why wouldn’t Monica make a good spy?
Because she spits everything out when the debriefing's done.

Why did Monica go to work at the Pentagon?
She developed a taste for seamen in the White House.

Why did Bill stop playing the saxophone?
It went out of tune when his whore-monica started playing his 

What do Monica and Bill have in common?
They're both going down.

What's the difference between Bill Clinton and his dog Buddy?
One tries to hump the leg of every woman in the white house, the
other is a chocolate lab.

What did Monica say when she finally met Hillary?
"I'll huff and I'll puff and I’ll blow your husband down."

What's the difference between Watergate and Zippergate?
This time we know who deep throat is.

How could Bill rationalize that oral sex is not a sexual encounter?
Because Monica tried it but didn't swallow.

How long does it take Kenneth Starr to screw in a light bulb?
Who knows, 5 years and thirty million dollars later, he's still in
the dark.

What's the recipe for Clinton stew?
A small weenie in hot water.

What are the ingredients for the new, improved Clinton stew:
One wiener, one tongue, one cooked goose, lots of spilled beans and
hot water.

What's Bill Clinton's favorite bird?
The Round-Cheeked Rodsucker.

Why didn't Bill take Monica out to dinner?
There was always plenty to eat in the office.

What would Bill Clinton do if he weren't in the White House?
He would be a botanist and play with Flowers all day.

Why did Hillary Clinton want to get a dog for the White House?
To help chase the pussies away.

Did you hear that when this scandal is over that Monica plans to
sell her story?
She intends to tell it Blow by Blow.

What do Bill Clinton and Disney have in common?
Disney has a movie called the Lion King, while Bill Clinton is the
Lying' King.

What do Monica and Alaska have in common?
The Ididarod.

What did Clinton say when asked if he had used protection?
"Sure, there was a guard standing right outside the door."

How will Clinton build his bridge to the 21st century?
Apparently while part of a federal prison work release program.

Why can't Kenneth Starr prosecute Bill Clinton?
He can't get the evidence to stand up in court.

Bill Clinton was campaigning at a old age retirement home.
He approached a woman, shook her hand and inquired,
"Do you know who I am?"
"No," replied the old woman, "But if you go to the front desk,
they'll tell you!"

Bill Clinton steps out of the Air Force One carring a small dog. One of
his Secret Service men says, "Nice dog, Sir!" Bill says, "Thanks, I got
it for Hillary." The man replies, "Nice trade,Sir!"

Bill and Hillary are at a restaurant.The waiter tells them tonight's
specials are chicken almondine and fresh fish.
"The chicked sounds great, I'll have that", says Hillary. The waiter 
nods, "And the vegetable,madam?"
"Oh, he'll have fish !", Hillary replies.

The president got a dog so Hillary would not be confused while hearing
from the Oval Office: "Roll Over. Sit. Stay. Good. Now here is your bone."

What is the difference between George Washington, Richard Nixon and 
Bill Clinton?
Washington couldn't tell a lie, Nixon couldn't tell the truth and
Clinton cannot tell the difference.

If Ted Kennedy, Dan Quayle and Bill Clinton all had a spelling    
contest, which one would win?
Dan Quayle. he's the only one who knows that harass is one
single word.

A reporter asked Clinton one day. "Was Monica lying?" 
"No, he responded,  "She was on her knees."

What is Clinton's worst nightmare?
An intern with braces.

What's Bill Clinton's favorite brand of potato chips?

Hillary is planning to install the latest security device on Bill's
It's called Blo-jack.

As Air Force One prepares to land, the captain makes his customary 
request over the loudspeaker: 
"Mr. President, would you please return the stewardess to the 
upright position and prepare to land?"

Did you hear Clinton is declaring a new National Bird?
The Spread Eagle

What was Clinton's last gift to Monica?
Spot remover.

The most recent reports of the stain on Monica's dress have been 
This whole thing seems to be a vast right-hand conspiracy.

When Bill Clinton was on trial for sleeping with Monica Lewinsky, he was 
called up to the stand. The Lawyer said "Have you seen Monica Lewinsky 
lately" to which Clinton replied, "I have cum across her in the past couple 
of months.

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