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What do you call bears with no ears?
A big bear and little rabbit are taking a dump side by side in the woods. The bear looks down at the rabbit and asks. "Do you have trouble with shit sticking to your fur?" The rabbit replies "no". So the bear wiped his arse with the rabbit.
A father polar bear and a baby polar bear were walking across the ice when the baby polar bear said to his dad "Dad, am I part panda bear?" "No", replied his dad. "Well then, am I part brown bear?" Again his dad said no. A short time later the baby bear asked again, "Dad, maybe I'm part koala bear?" The father getting annoyed said, "look son, I'm a polar bear, your mums a polar bear. Why on earth do you keep asking for?!" "Because," the baby bear said,"I'm bloody freezing!!".
It's spring, and the baby bear comes out of his cave. His knees are wobbling, he's a wreck. He's skin and bones, with big circles under his eyes. His mother says, "Junior! Did you hibernate all winter like you were supposed to?" He says, "Hibernate? Shit! I thought you said masturbate!"
How do you make a cat go woof?
How do you make a dog go miaow?
What's got two legs and bleeds?
Where do you find a no-legged dog?
How do you make a dog drink?
What's the biggest drawback of the jungle?
Why did the elephant fall out of the tree?
How can you tell if an elephant is in your fridge?
What's worse than a giraffe with a stiff neck?
What's as big as an elephant, but doesn't weigh anything?
Why did the elephant go to the dentist?
What do elephants use as vibrators?
How do you know when your elephant is having her periods?
Why are there no sheep in Africa?
How do you know that elephants have had sex in your garden?
What do elephants and milk have in common?
What looks like an elephant, and can fly?
Where do elephants come from?
What looks like an elephant and is dangerous?
How do you know if there is an elephant under your bed?
How do you know if there is an elephant in your bed?
How can you tell the difference between an elephant and a grape?
How do you fit five elephants into a Volkswagen?
What do you give a seasick elephant?
What does an elephant do if it breaks a toe?
How much did the psychiatrist charge to see an elephant?
Why are elephants so wrinkly?
This keeper at a zoo was standing there saturated in what looked like wallpaper paste. His friend asked, "What came over you?" and the keeper replied, "An elephant".
How do you make an elephant fly?
How can you tell when an elephant's on her period?
What do you call an elephant with a machine gun?
What do you call an elephant wearing pink earmuffs and a dress?
Why do elephants drink so much?
What's grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow?
Why did the Elephant stand on the marshmallow?
How do you get down from an elephant?
Why is an elephant big, grey, and wrinkly?
What's grey and white on the inside and red on the outside?
What's grey and white on the inside and red and white on the outside?
What is grey and not there?
How do you kill an elephant?
How do you kill a purple elephant?
How do you shoot a blue elephant?
How do you shoot a red elephant?
How do you shoot a green elephant?
How do you kill a pink elephant?
How do you shoot a yellow elephant?
How does an elephant hide in the jungle?
Why do elephants wear pink tennis shoes?
What is the difference between an elephant and a Greek grandmother?
Why do elephants paint their toenails red?
Did you hear about the moron who went elephant hunting?
How do you find an elephant?
There's two flies on a bum, which is the drug addict?
What do you call a Fly without wings?
What do you call a Fly with no wings or legs?
Frogs and Toads
A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you." The frog says, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?", "No," says the psychic. "Next term in her biology lesson."
A man with a frog on his head walks into the doctor's office. The doctor asks, "What seems to be the problem?" And the Frog replies, "Well doctor... it's this thing that's hanging from my arse."
What did one lesbian Frog say to another?
What did the horny toad say to the frog?
What happened to the frog when he parked on double yellow lines?
What's a frog's favourite drink?
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Why did the second money fall out of the tree?
Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree?
Why did the fourth monkey fall out of the tree?
Why did the elephant fall out of the tree?
There were two Parrots on a Perch, and one says to the other, "Can you smell fish?"
A chinese man walks into a shop with a parrot on his shoulder, and the shopkeeper says, "Blimey, where did you get that?". And the parrot says, "China, there's loads of 'em there."
A young lady goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The guy behind the counter says that he only has one and it's a real "smart-arse", with a vulgar vocabulary and rude temperment. The woman says, "Thats fine, I know how to handle arseholes like that, I want the parrot anyhow". So the woman gets the bird home puts it in her room, and starts to get ready for bed. Just as she gets her skirt off the parrot says: "Awk... nice legs baby!". Well the the woman isn't gonna take this shit so she takes the bird out of the cage and puts it in the freezer for 3 min. While the parrot's in the freezer, he becomes sure that this was the wrong thing to say, and makes a mental note about not saying that again. The next night, again the woman is getting ready for bed this time the parrot knows not to say any thing about her legs, but after she removes her blouse, and then her bra... the parrot just can't resist any longer. He blurts out "Awk... great tits baby let's see ya shake 'um". The woman gets pissed-off and she decides that instead of 3 min in the freezer, she is going to keep the parrot in for 5 min. Well the parrot has lots of time to think this time, and remorse gives way to desperation, and finally to anger so that the adrenalin will allow him to continue to live. Finally the woman opens the freezer door take out the near frozen parrot and asks... "Well, have you learned your lesson?" The parrot still shivering and just able to speak says... "Awk... yeah yeah sure sure, but I just have one question..." The woman replies, "Yes?" and parrot says, "Awk... what did the turkey do, ask for a blow-job?".
What does a 400 pound parrot say?
One day, Mr Parrot was walking along a jungle trail. As he was passing a swamp, he heard cries for help coming from it... Mr Elephant was stuck in the swamp.... "Oh, help me Mr Parrot, please help - I'm sinking fast!!" cried Mr Elephant.
A penguin was driving through the desert when his car broke down. He waddled to the nearest phone to call the AA. His car was quickly towed to the nearest garage where the mechanic told him he would need a couple of hours to check out the car. The penguin, being a good natured bird, didn't complain but wandered off to find the closest supermarket. He proceeded to the frozen foods section and hung out near the fish sticks. After an hour he got in the freezer next to the vanilla ice cream and ate several gallons. Then he saw the time and went back to the garage covered in ice cream. The mechanic walked over to him wiping his hands and shaking his head saying, "It looks like you blew a seal." Blushing, the penguin said, "Oh no! It's just ice cream."
How does a Penguin find the weather at the Arctic?
A penguin walks into a bar and says to to the barman "Have you seen my brother?" ...and the barman replies "No, what does he look like?"
Why do seagulls have wings?
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
There's two fish in a tank, one says to the other, "Do you know how to drive this?"
Why do Mice have small balls?
A rabbit hops into a butchers' shop and says "have you got any cabbages?". The butcher says that he doesn't sell cabbages and the rabbit hops off. The next day the same rabbit hops into the same butchers and says "have you got any cabbages?" The butcher, slightly peeved, says "look I told you yesterday - I'm a butcher, I don't sell cabbages, now piss off!" The rabbit hops off. The next day the rabbit hops into the butchers again and says "have you got any cabbages?" The butcher, completely pissed off now, snaps "No I haven't got any chuffin cabbages! If you come in here again asking for some cabbages I'm gonna nail your fuckin ears to the floor!" The rabbit is scared by this and quickly hops out the door. The next day the rabbit hops into the butchers and asks "have you got any nails?" The butcher replys "no". The rabbit says "have you got any cabbages?"
A single man wanted someone to help him with the household chores, so he decided to get a pet to help out. He went to the local pet shop and asks the owner for advice on a suitable animal. The owner suggested a dog, but the man said, "Nah, dogs can't do dishes." The owner then suggested a cat, but the man said, "Nah, cats can't do the ironing" Finally the owner suggests a centipede, "This is the perfect pet for you. It can do anything!" OK, the man thought, I'll give it a try, so he bought it and took it home. Once home he told the centipede to wash the dishes. The centipede looks over and there are piles and piles of dirty dishes that look to be a month old. Five minutes later, all the pots are washed, dried and put away. Great, thought the man.
What is a Ratchet?
How do you identify a bald eagle?
What's the difference between a bull and a cow?
What's the difference between a truckload of bowling balls and a truckload of dead woodchuck?
How do you circumcise a whale?
What did the elephant say to the naked man?
How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
What do Christmas and a crab on the beach have in common?
What's the difference between a normal zoo and a Cajun zoo?
What do you get when you cross a rooster and an owl?
Why do you need to put rubber bands around hamsters?
What do you call a chicken in a shell suit?
A prostitute is lounging in her bed one evening, reflecting upon the day's business, when a Koala bear appears at her open window. He winks at her, climbs in, hops onto the bed, and proceeds to perform oral sex upon her. Not too dismayed by her unexpected guests act, she spreads her legs and lets him have at it. Finishing, the koala bear licks his lips and starts to exit out the same window. "Hey, wait a minute, buddy, you've got to pay for that! I'm a hooker, you know!"
What do you call a royal Rabbit?
Two sheep in a field, one says, "Baaaaaaaa!"
How do you make a Duck into a popstar?
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