Add to favourites
realhumour.co.uk Visit our sponsor
RealHumour: UK Humour Portal V2 articles | images | toplist | links

Animal Jokes

Bears

What do you call bears with no ears?
B.

A big bear and little rabbit are taking a dump side by side in the woods. The bear looks down at the rabbit and asks. "Do you have trouble with shit sticking to your fur?" The rabbit replies "no". So the bear wiped his arse with the rabbit.

A father polar bear and a baby polar bear were walking across the ice when the baby polar bear said to his dad "Dad, am I part panda bear?" "No", replied his dad. "Well then, am I part brown bear?" Again his dad said no. A short time later the baby bear asked again, "Dad, maybe I'm part koala bear?" The father getting annoyed said, "look son, I'm a polar bear, your mums a polar bear. Why on earth do you keep asking for?!" "Because," the baby bear said,"I'm bloody freezing!!".

It's spring, and the baby bear comes out of his cave. His knees are wobbling, he's a wreck. He's skin and bones, with big circles under his eyes. His mother says, "Junior! Did you hibernate all winter like you were supposed to?" He says, "Hibernate? Shit! I thought you said masturbate!"

Cats

How do you make a cat go woof?
Cover it in petrol and set it alight.

Dogs

How do you make a dog go miaow?
Freeze it in Liquid Nitrogen and apply a chainsaw.

What's got two legs and bleeds?
Half a dog.

Where do you find a no-legged dog?
Wherever you left him.
Submitted by Spounge

How do you make a dog drink?
Put it in a liquidizer.

Elephants

What's the biggest drawback of the jungle?
An elephant's foreskin.

Why did the elephant fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.

How can you tell if an elephant is in your fridge?
The door won't shut.

What's worse than a giraffe with a stiff neck?
An elephant with a stuffed nose.

What's as big as an elephant, but doesn't weigh anything?
His shadow.

Why did the elephant go to the dentist?
He had a terrible tuskache!

What do elephants use as vibrators?
Epileptic pigmies.

How do you know when your elephant is having her periods?
Your mattress and your tow rope is missing.

Why are there no sheep in Africa?
Elephants used them as tampons.

How do you know that elephants have had sex in your garden?
The flower bed has been crushed and the garbage bag has been used.

What do elephants and milk have in common?
Both come in quarts.

What looks like an elephant, and can fly?
A flying elephant.

Where do elephants come from?
A great big stork brings them.

What looks like an elephant and is dangerous?
An elephant with a machine gun!

How do you know if there is an elephant under your bed?
Your nose is touching the ceiling.

How do you know if there is an elephant in your bed?
He's had an 'E' on the front of his pyjamas.

How can you tell the difference between an elephant and a grape?
A grape is purple.

How do you fit five elephants into a Volkswagen?
Two in in the front, Two in the back, and one in the boot.

What do you give a seasick elephant?
Lots of room!

What does an elephant do if it breaks a toe?
Gives up ballet dancing.

How much did the psychiatrist charge to see an elephant?
£550 - That's £50 for the visit and £500 for a new sofa.

Why are elephants so wrinkly?
Have you ever tried to iron one?

This keeper at a zoo was standing there saturated in what looked like wallpaper paste. His friend asked, "What came over you?" and the keeper replied, "An elephant".

How do you make an elephant fly?
Well, you start with a zipper about a yard long...

How can you tell when an elephant's on her period?
There's a nickel on your bedstand and your mattress is missing.

What do you call an elephant with a machine gun?
Sir.

What do you call an elephant wearing pink earmuffs and a dress?
Anything you want, it can't hear you.

Why do elephants drink so much?
To try to forget.

What's grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow?
An elephant rolling down a hill with a daisy in its mouth!

Why did the Elephant stand on the marshmallow?
So she wouldn't fall in the hot chocolate.

How do you get down from an elephant?
You don't, you get down from a duck.

Why is an elephant big, grey, and wrinkly?
Because, if it was small, white and smooth it would be an Aspirin.

What's grey and white on the inside and red on the outside?
An inside out elephant.

What's grey and white on the inside and red and white on the outside?
Campbell's Cream of Elephant soup.

What is grey and not there?
No elephants.

How do you kill an elephant?
With an elephant gun.

How do you kill a purple elephant?
With a purple elephant gun.

How do you shoot a blue elephant?
With a blue elephant gun, of course.

How do you shoot a red elephant?
No, not with a red elephant gun. You strangle him until he turns blue, and then shoot him with a blue elephant gun.

How do you shoot a green elephant?
Tell him a dirty joke so he turns red, strangle him until he turns blue, and then shoot him with a blue elephant gun.

How do you kill a pink elephant?
Tie a knot in its trunk, wait till it turns purple and then shoot it with the purple elephant gun.

How do you shoot a yellow elephant?
Ever seen a yellow elephant?

How does an elephant hide in the jungle?
He paints his balls red and sits in a cherry tree.

Why do elephants wear pink tennis shoes?
Because white tennis shoes get dirty too easy.

What is the difference between an elephant and a Greek grandmother?
Ten pounds and a moustache.

Why do elephants paint their toenails red?
So they can hide in cherry trees.
Have you seen an elephant in a cherry tree?
See it works!

Submitted by Aimee Kast

Did you hear about the moron who went elephant hunting?
He got a hernia carrying the decoys.

How do you find an elephant?
How do you lose one in the first place?

Flies

There's two flies on a bum, which is the drug addict?
The one on the crack.

What do you call a Fly without wings?
A walk.

What do you call a Fly with no wings or legs?
A roll.
Submitted by Anthony

Frogs and Toads

A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you." The frog says, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?", "No," says the psychic. "Next term in her biology lesson."

A man with a frog on his head walks into the doctor's office. The doctor asks, "What seems to be the problem?" And the Frog replies, "Well doctor... it's this thing that's hanging from my arse."

What did one lesbian Frog say to another?
"Wow, we really do taste like Chicken."

What did the horny toad say to the frog?
Rubit Rubit.

What happened to the frog when he parked on double yellow lines?
He got toad away.

What's a frog's favourite drink?
Croaka-cola.

Monkeys

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because he was dead.

Why did the second money fall out of the tree?
Because he was dead.

Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree?
Because he was tied to the second monkey.

Why did the fourth monkey fall out of the tree?
Because he thought it was a game.

Why did the elephant fall out of the tree?
Because he thought he was a monkey.

Parrots

There were two Parrots on a Perch, and one says to the other, "Can you smell fish?"

A chinese man walks into a shop with a parrot on his shoulder, and the shopkeeper says, "Blimey, where did you get that?". And the parrot says, "China, there's loads of 'em there."

A young lady goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The guy behind the counter says that he only has one and it's a real "smart-arse", with a vulgar vocabulary and rude temperment. The woman says, "Thats fine, I know how to handle arseholes like that, I want the parrot anyhow". So the woman gets the bird home puts it in her room, and starts to get ready for bed. Just as she gets her skirt off the parrot says: "Awk... nice legs baby!". Well the the woman isn't gonna take this shit so she takes the bird out of the cage and puts it in the freezer for 3 min. While the parrot's in the freezer, he becomes sure that this was the wrong thing to say, and makes a mental note about not saying that again. The next night, again the woman is getting ready for bed this time the parrot knows not to say any thing about her legs, but after she removes her blouse, and then her bra... the parrot just can't resist any longer. He blurts out "Awk... great tits baby let's see ya shake 'um". The woman gets pissed-off and she decides that instead of 3 min in the freezer, she is going to keep the parrot in for 5 min. Well the parrot has lots of time to think this time, and remorse gives way to desperation, and finally to anger so that the adrenalin will allow him to continue to live. Finally the woman opens the freezer door take out the near frozen parrot and asks... "Well, have you learned your lesson?" The parrot still shivering and just able to speak says... "Awk... yeah yeah sure sure, but I just have one question..." The woman replies, "Yes?" and parrot says, "Awk... what did the turkey do, ask for a blow-job?".

What does a 400 pound parrot say?
Polly wants a cracker, NOW !!!!!!!!

One day, Mr Parrot was walking along a jungle trail. As he was passing a swamp, he heard cries for help coming from it... Mr Elephant was stuck in the swamp.... "Oh, help me Mr Parrot, please help - I'm sinking fast!!" cried Mr Elephant.
"I'm too small to pull you out on my own", replied Mr Parrot, "but if you hold on for a moment, I'll go and get Mr Jaguar to help me pull you out"
"O.K.", said Mr Elephant, "but PLEASE hurry!!"
So Mr Parrot went off and quickly returned with Mr Jaguar, and with a bit of heaving and huffing and puffing, they managed to pull a very grateful Mr Elephant out of the swamp.
The next day, Mr Elephant was walking down the same jungle trail, and past the same swamp, when he too heard the cries of a fellow animal in distress. He couldn't believe his eyes when he saw, stuck in the swamp, Mr Parrot...
"Help me, Mr Elephant - I'm sinking!!", cried Mr Parrot.
"It's OK, Mr Parrot", said Mr Elephant, and turning around and reversing up to the swamp, he added, "Just grab hold of my penis, and I'll have you out in no time."
So Mr Parrot grabbed hold of Mr Elephant's penis, and Mr Elephant pulled, and..... PLOP!!! Out of the swamp came Mr Parrot, easily as anything. And the moral of this story? If you've got a huge penis, you don't need a Jaguar to pull birds.
Submitted by Tom West

Penguins

A penguin was driving through the desert when his car broke down. He waddled to the nearest phone to call the AA. His car was quickly towed to the nearest garage where the mechanic told him he would need a couple of hours to check out the car. The penguin, being a good natured bird, didn't complain but wandered off to find the closest supermarket. He proceeded to the frozen foods section and hung out near the fish sticks. After an hour he got in the freezer next to the vanilla ice cream and ate several gallons. Then he saw the time and went back to the garage covered in ice cream. The mechanic walked over to him wiping his hands and shaking his head saying, "It looks like you blew a seal." Blushing, the penguin said, "Oh no! It's just ice cream."

How does a Penguin find the weather at the Arctic?
He just looks outside and there it is.

A penguin walks into a bar and says to to the barman "Have you seen my brother?" ...and the barman replies "No, what does he look like?"

Seagulls

Why do seagulls have wings?
To beat the Gypsies to the rubbish tip.

Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay, they would be bagels.

Miscellaneous

There's two fish in a tank, one says to the other, "Do you know how to drive this?"

Why do Mice have small balls?
Because not many of them can dance.

A rabbit hops into a butchers' shop and says "have you got any cabbages?". The butcher says that he doesn't sell cabbages and the rabbit hops off. The next day the same rabbit hops into the same butchers and says "have you got any cabbages?" The butcher, slightly peeved, says "look I told you yesterday - I'm a butcher, I don't sell cabbages, now piss off!" The rabbit hops off. The next day the rabbit hops into the butchers again and says "have you got any cabbages?" The butcher, completely pissed off now, snaps "No I haven't got any chuffin cabbages! If you come in here again asking for some cabbages I'm gonna nail your fuckin ears to the floor!" The rabbit is scared by this and quickly hops out the door. The next day the rabbit hops into the butchers and asks "have you got any nails?" The butcher replys "no". The rabbit says "have you got any cabbages?"

A single man wanted someone to help him with the household chores, so he decided to get a pet to help out. He went to the local pet shop and asks the owner for advice on a suitable animal. The owner suggested a dog, but the man said, "Nah, dogs can't do dishes." The owner then suggested a cat, but the man said, "Nah, cats can't do the ironing" Finally the owner suggests a centipede, "This is the perfect pet for you. It can do anything!" OK, the man thought, I'll give it a try, so he bought it and took it home. Once home he told the centipede to wash the dishes. The centipede looks over and there are piles and piles of dirty dishes that look to be a month old. Five minutes later, all the pots are washed, dried and put away. Great, thought the man.
Now he told the centipede to do the dusting and vacuuming. 15 minutes later the house is spotless. Wow, thought the man, so he decided to try another idea. "Go down to the corner and get me the evening paper," he told the centipede, and off it went.
15 minutes later, the centipede hadn't returned. 30 minutes later and still no centipede. 45 minutes and the man was sick of waiting, so he got up and went out to look for the centipede.
As he opened the front door, there on the step was the centipede. "Hey, whatcha' doing there? I sent you out for the paper 45 minutes ago and now I find you out here without the paper! What gives?"
"Hold on a minute!" said the centipede, "I'm still putting on my fucking boots!!!"

What is a Ratchet?
Something a little bit bigger than a Mouse shit.

How do you identify a bald eagle?
All his feathers are combed over to one side.

What's the difference between a bull and a cow?
The bull smiles when you milk it.

What's the difference between a truckload of bowling balls and a truckload of dead woodchuck?
You can't unload a truck full of bowling balls with a pitchfork.

How do you circumcise a whale?
Four skin divers!

What did the elephant say to the naked man?
It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?

How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two, The hard part is getting them in the light bulb.

What do Christmas and a crab on the beach have in common?
They both involve sandy claws.

What's the difference between a normal zoo and a Cajun zoo?
In a normal zoo, you have a plaque next to the cage, with the animal's common name and Latin name. In a Cajun zoo, you have a plaque next to the cage, with the animal's common name, it's Latin name, and the recipe for how to cook it.

What do you get when you cross a rooster and an owl?
A cock that stays up all night!

Why do you need to put rubber bands around hamsters?
To stop them exploding when you fuck them.

What do you call a chicken in a shell suit?
An egg.

A prostitute is lounging in her bed one evening, reflecting upon the day's business, when a Koala bear appears at her open window. He winks at her, climbs in, hops onto the bed, and proceeds to perform oral sex upon her. Not too dismayed by her unexpected guests act, she spreads her legs and lets him have at it. Finishing, the koala bear licks his lips and starts to exit out the same window. "Hey, wait a minute, buddy, you've got to pay for that! I'm a hooker, you know!"
"A hooker? What's that?" asks the koala bear. "A hooker, you know, a prostitute! It's in the dictionary, look it up!" So she shows the koala bear the entry in the dictionary. Sure enough, it says: "Hooker: woman who exchanges sexual acts for monetary gain." The Koala bear thinks about this and says: "Do you know what I am? I'm a koala bear! Look it up!" So as the koala bear disappears out the window, the hooker thumbs through the dictionary and looks up "Koala Bear." It reads: "Koala Bear: eats bushes and leaves."

What do you call a royal Rabbit?
A hare to the throne.

Two sheep in a field, one says, "Baaaaaaaa!"
The other says, "Damn! I was just going to say that!"

How do you make a Duck into a popstar?
Put it into the microwave until it's Bill Withers.

Visit Pigboy!

InstantHangover.co.uk

articles | images | toplist | links Copyright © RealHumour 2003