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RealHumour: UK Humour Portal V2 articles | images | toplist | links

Baby Jokes

How do you make a dead baby float?
Add root beer and a scoop of ice cream.

How do you put a baby in a blender?
Feet first, so you can watch the expression on his face.

What's brown and bubbly and taps on the window?
A baby in a microwave.

How do you fit 500 babies in a shoebox?
Cuisineart.

How do you get them out?
With a straw.

What is red and white hangs from telephone wires?
A dead baby that got thrown from a snow blower.

What is red and white and screams alot?
A skinned baby in salt.

What is red and white and turns at 35.6 miles per hour?
A baby in a blender.

What is red and sits in a corner.
A baby with a razor blade.

What is green and sits in the corner?
Same baby... two weeks later.

What is blue and sits in a corner?
A baby playing with a baggie.

What's grosser than piling dead babies onto a cart with a pitchfork?
Piling live babies onto a cart with a pitchfork.

What's red & black and crawls up a woman's leg?
A homesick abortion.

What is pink and red and keeps getting smaller?
A baby with a cheese-slicer.

Should I have a baby after 35?
No, 35 children is enough.

I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
With any luck, right after he finishes college.

How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
If it's the flu, you'll get better.

Since I became pregnant, my breasts, rear end, and even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy?
Yes, your bladder.

What is the most common pregnancy craving?
For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
Childbirth.

The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
'Cause you're fatter than they are.

My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
So what's your question?

What's the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a model?
Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him.

How long is the average woman in labour?
Whatever she says divided by two.

My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labour, but pressure. Is she right?
Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

When is the best time to get an epidural?
Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labour?
Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

What does it mean when the baby's head is crowning?
It means you feel as though not only a crown but the entire throne is trying to make its way out of you.

Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
Yes, pregnancy.

Does pregnancy cause hemorrhoids?
Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for.

Where is the best place to store breast milk?
In your breasts.

Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?
Yes, baby lips.

What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.

How does one sanitize nipples?
Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a saucepan.

What are the terrible twos?
Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey.

What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
When you see teeth marks.

Do I have to have a baby shower?
Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
When the kids are in college.

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