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Doctor, Doctor Jokes

Doctor, Doctor I feel like a pair of curtains.
Well pull yourself together then.

Doctor, Doctor, everyone keeps ignoring me.
Next please!

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking there is two of me.
One at a time please.

Doctor, Doctor, some days I feel like a tee-pee and other days I feel like a wig-wam.
You're too tents.

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking Iím invisible.
Who said that?

Doctor, Doctor My little boy has just swallowed a roll of film!
Hmmmm. Let's hope nothing develops.

Doctor, Doctor, I can't get to sleep.
Sit on the edge of the bed and you'll soon drop off.

Doctor, Doctor Iíve lost my memory!
When did this happen?
When did what happen?

Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a pack of cards.
I'll deal with you later.

Doctor, Doctor my son has swallowed my pen, what should I do?
Use a pencil Ďtill I get there.

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a nit.
Will you get out of my hair!

Doctor, doctor I keep thinking I'm a bee.
Buzz off can't you see I'm busy?

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a frog.
What's wrong with that?
I think I'm going to croak.

Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a butterfly.
Will you say what you mean and stop flitting about!

Doctor, Doctor I've broke my arm in two places.
Well don't go back there again then!

Doctor Doctor I keep thinking I'm a caterpillar.
Don't worry you'll soon change!

Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a moth.
Get out of the way, your in my light!

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a spider.
What a web of lies!

Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a snail.
Don't worry we'll soon have you out of your shell!

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a snake about to shed it's skin.
Why don't you go behind the screen and slip into something more comfortable then!

Doctor, Doctor what did the x-ray of my head show?
Absolutely nothing!

Doctor, doctor my baby's swallowed a bullet.
Well don't point him at anyone until I get there!

Doctor, Doctor I need something to keep my falling hair in.
What about a matchbox!

Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a python.
You can't get round me just like that you know!

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a mosquito.
Go away, sucker!

Doctor Doctor I think I'm a moth.
So why did you come around then?
Well, I saw this light at the window...!

Doctor, Doctor I think I'm an adder.
Great, can you help me with my accounts then please!

Doctor, Doctor I keep painting myself gold.
Don't worry it's just a gilt complex!

Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a rubber band.
Why don't you stretch yourself out on the couch there and tell me all about it!

Doctor, Doctor I snore so loud I keep myself awake.
Sleep in another room then!

Doctor, Doctor I feel like an apple.
We must get to the core of this!

Doctor, Doctor I feel like a sheep.
That's baaaaaaaaaad!

Doctor, Doctor you've taken out my tonsils, my adenoids, my gall bladder, my varicose veins and my appendix, but I still don't feel well.
That's quite enough out of you!

Doctor, Doctor I'm becoming invisible.
Yes I can see you're not all there!

Doctor how can I cure my sleep walking?
Sprinkle tin-tacks on your bedroom floor!

Doctor these pills you gave me for Body Odour...
What's wrong with them?
They keep slipping out from under my arms!

Doctor, Doctor my husband smells like fish.
Poor sole!

Doctor: You seem to be in excellent health. Your pulse is as regular as clockwork.
Patient: That's because you've got your hand on my watch!

Doctor, Doctor my sister thinks she is a lift.
Well tell her to come in.
I can't she doesn't stop at this floor !

Doctor, Doctor I've had tummy ache since I ate three crabs yesterday.
Did they smell bad when you took them out of their shells?
What do you mean "took them out of their shells!"

Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a dog.
How long have you felt like this?
Ever since I was a puppy!

Doctor, Doctor you have to help me out!
Certainly, which way did you come in?

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm God
When did this start?
Well first I created the sun, then the earth...

Doctor, Doctor I feel like a pack of cards.
I'll deal with you later!

Doctor, Doctor I feel like a spoon!
Well sit still and don't stir!

Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee.
Have you tried taking the spoon out?

Doctor, Doctor I think I need glasses.
You certainly do, Sir, this is a fish and chip shop!

Doctor, Doctor I've just swallowed a pen.
Well sit down and write your name!

Doctor, Doctor I feel like a dog!
Sit!

Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a bell?
Take these and if it doesn't help give me a ring!

Doctor, Doctor I think I'm suffering from Deja Vu!
Didn't I see you yesterday?

Doctor, Doctor I've got wind! Can you give me something?
Yes - here's a kite!

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a dog.
Sit on the couch and we will talk about it.
But I'm not allowed up on the couch!

Doctor, Doctor You've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands shaking.
Do you drink a lot?
Not really - I spill most of it!

Doctor, Doctor Have you got something for a bad headache?
Of course. Just take this hammer and hit yourself in the head. Then you'll have a bad headache.

Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a bridge.
What's come over you?
Oh, two cars, a large truck and a coach.

Doctor Doctor I feel like biscuits!
What, you mean those square ones?
Yes!
The ones you put butter on?
Yes!
Oh, You're Crackers!

Doctor, Doctor Can I have second opinion?
Of course, come back tomorrow!

Doctor, Doctor When I press with my finger here... it hurts, and here... it hurts, and here... and here... What do you think is wrong with me?
You have a broken finger!

Doctor, Doctor everyone keeps throwing me in the garbage.
Don't talk rubbish!

Doctor, Doctor I'm boiling up!
Just simmer down!

Doctor, Doctor will this ointment clear up my spots?
I never make rash promises!

Doctor, Doctor I feel like a needle.
I see your point!

Tell me straight Doc, Is it bad?
Well, I wouldn't start watching any new soap operas!

Doctor Doctor I feel like a racehorse.
Take one of these every 4 laps!

Doctor, Doctor I feel like a bee.
Well buzz off I'm busy!

Doctor, Doctor I'm a burglar!
Have you taken anything for it?

Doctor, Doctor I keep seeing double.
Please sit on the couch.
Which one!

Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a telephone.
Well, take these pills and if they don't work then give me a ring!

Doctor, Doctor I keep seeing an insect spinning around.
Don't worry, it's just a bug that's going around!

Doctor, how do I stop my nose from running?
Stick your foot out and trip it up!

Doctor, Doctor I've got bad teeth, foul breath and smelly feet.
Sounds like you've got Foot and Mouth disease!

Doctor, Doctor I think I'm turning into a frog.
Your just playing too much croquet!

Doctor: You need new glasses.
Patient: How do you know? I haven't told you whats wrong with me yet.
Doctor: I could tell as soon as you walked in through the window!

Doctor Doctor I'm so ugly what can I do about it?
Hire yourself out for Halloween parties!

Doctor, Doctor I'm having trouble with my breathing.
I'll give you something that will soon put a stop to that!

Doctor, Doctor I tend to flush a lot.
Don't worry it's just a chain reaction!

Doctor, Doctor everyone thinks I'm a liar.
Well I can't believe that!

Doctor, Doctor my baby is the image of his father.
Never mind just so long as he's healthy!

Doctor, Doctor I've a split personality.
Well, you'd better both sit down then!

Doctor, doctor my sister here keeps thinking she's invisible.
Which sister?

Doctor, Doctor I'm on a diet and it's making me irritable. Yesterday I bit someones ear off.
Oh dear, that's a lot of calories!

Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a yo-yo.
Are you stringing me along!

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a vampire.
Necks please!

Doctor Doctor I swallowed a bone.
Are you choking?
No, I really did!

Doctor, Doctor I dream there are monsters under my bed, what can I do?
Saw the legs off of your bed!

Doctor, Doctor I think I'm an electric eel.
That's shocking!

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a woodworm.
How boring for you!

Doctor, Doctor, something is wrong... I can't feel my legs!
Yes, we've had to amputate both your arms.

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