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Irish Jokes

Where do you find an Irish woodworm?
Dead inside a brick.

How do know if a fish is Irish?
It has drowned.

How do you get an Irishman to burn his ear?
Ring him up while he is ironing.

How do you keep an Irishman busy?
Write P.T.O on both sides of a piece of paper.

How do you spot an Irishman at a carwash?
He's the one on the bike.

How do you sink an Irish Submarine?
Knock on the hatch.

An Irish man walked around the world... he drowned.

How do you confuse an Irishman?
Put him in a round room and tell him to sit in the corner.

How many Irishmen does it take to change a lightbulb?
2001. One to hold the bulb and 2000 to turn the house round.

Late one Friday night the policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin. They pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.
"Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called "Happy Hour" and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o' those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and O' course I had to go in for a couple of Guinness -couldn't be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later .." And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.
The officer sighed, and said, "Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test." Indignantly, the man said, "Why? Don't ye believe me???!!!"

How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Twentyone. One to hold the bulb, and twenty to drink until the room spins.

Jon, an Irishman, upon finishing his business in the toilet, was pulling up his pants when a 50 pence piece slipped from his pocket, bounced once on the lid, and fell into the hole. Peering into the hole, Jon muttered to himself, "For 50p, No."  Upon which, he withdrew another 50 pence piece from his pocket, let it fall into the hole to join the first, and remarked as he descended, "But for a pound..."

What do you do if an Irishman throws a grenade at you?
Pull the pin out and throw it back!

[submitted by Peter Baudains]

Two Drunk Irishmen are walking down a set of railway tracks.
First Irishman: "Jesus Christ, I've never seen so many stairs."
Second Irishman: "Fuck that mate, it's this low railing that's killing me."

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