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Lawyers Jokes

Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest Stamps?
They had pictures of lawyers on them and people couldn't figure out 
which side to spit on. 

What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
A tick falls off of you when you die. 

Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same 

What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
Stick his bill up his ass. 

What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand?
Not enough sand. 

What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer 
in the road?
There are skid marks in front of the dog. 

What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer? 
A Doberman. 

Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons? 
If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, 
they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything 

What do lawyers and sperm have in common? 
One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being. 

Lawyer's creed: A man is innocent until proven broke. 

What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull? 

What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane? 

What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer?
Chelsea Clinton. 

If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to 
hit him? 
It might be your bicycle.

What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start!

How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
His lips are moving.

Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy.

What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
Not enough sand.

How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
Cut the rope.

Do you know how to save a drowning laywer?
Take your foot off his head.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit?
The bucket.

What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?
When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.

What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
There was an empty seat.

What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
Stick his bill up his ass.

What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
An offer you can't understand

Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
From chasing parked ambulances.

Where can you find a good lawyer?
In the cemetary.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
A gigolo only screws one person at a time.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A vampire only sucks blood at night.

Why to lawyers wear neckties?
To keep the foreskin from crawling up their chins.

What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck

How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?
Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.

What do lawyers use for birth control? 
Their personalities.

Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old
drunk are walking down the street together when they
simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill.  Who gets it? 
The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythical

It was so cold last winter...
...I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.

A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the
lawyer's rates.  
"$50.00 for three questions", replied the lawyer. 
"Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man.  
"Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third

You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a
lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets.  What should you
You shoot the lawyer. Twice.

Do you know what happens when a lawyer takes Viagra? 
He gets taller.

How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
Take your foot off of his head.

What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a demon from hell? 
Another lawyer.

The devil came to a young lawyer and said, "I'll make you a partner in your 
firm if you give me your soul, your wife's soul, and the souls of each of 
your three kids, and you agree to sell every one of your clients down the 
"Okay", said the lawyer, "but what's the catch?"

What do lawyers do when they die?
Lie, still!

What do call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
Your Honor.

What's the best way to save a marriage???
Go out and price a few divorce lawyers!!!!

What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?
Nothing. There are some things even a pig won't do.

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