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Light Bulb Jokes


How many woman libbers' does it take to change a lightbulb?
4- one to change it and 3 to write a book on it.


How many frat girls does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Doesn't really matter - frat girls will screw anything...


How many gorillas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only one, but it sure takes a shitload of light bulbs!


How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None of your damn business!


How many straight San Franciscans does it take to change a light bulb?
Both of them.


How many Zen masters does it take to  screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to change the bulb and one not to change it. 
Note: 1 to change and 1 not to change is fake Zen. The true Zen answer
is four.  One to change the bulb.


How many Carl Sagans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Billions and billions.


How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
Two: One to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub with 
brightly colored machine tools.


How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Five. One to change the bulb, and four  more to chase off the
Californians who have come up to relate to the experience.


How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three: One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb
installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.


How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?
None, the bulb will change itself when it is ready.


What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
You can unscrew a light bulb.


How many Bratzlaver Chassidim does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They will never find one that burned as brightly as the first one.


How many professors does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but they get three tech reports out of it.


How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb?
100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-001,
Multitasking Incadescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of the 
pages state only "This page intentionally  left blank", and 20% of the
definitions are of the form "A ------  consists of sequences of non-blank
characters seperated by blanks".


How many gay people does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it in, and the other to say "Fabulous!"


How many managers does it take to change a light bulb?
Three: One to get the bulb and two to get the phone number
to dial one of their subordinates to actually change it.


How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a light bulb?
Three: One to change the bulb, one to witness, and the third to shoot 
the witness.


How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change.


How many Unix hacks does it take to change a light bulb?
As many as you want; they're all virtual anyway.


How many supply-side economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw 
itself in.


How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light bulb?
That's proprietary information. Answer available from AT&T on payment of 
license fee.


How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to get it done.


How many "Real Men" does it take to change a light bulb?
None. "Real Men" aren't afraid of the dark.


How many "Real Women" does it take to change a light bulb?
None. A "Real Woman" would have plenty of real men around to do it.


How many med students does it take to change a light bulb?
Five: One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder out from
under him.


How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. They are just about small enough to fit inside.


How many Polacks does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but you need 6000 Russian troops in case he goes on strike!


How many WASPs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Silly, WASPs don't screw in a light bulb, they screw in a hot tub.


How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None: The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.


How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. ("That's all right... I'll just sit here in the dark...")


How many Generals/Politicians does it take to change a light bulb?
1,000,001: One to change the bulb, and 1,000,000 to rebuild
civilization to the point where they need light bulbs again.


How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but it takes at least three light bulbs.


How many folk singers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to change the bulb, and one to write a song about
how good the old light bulb was.


How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb?
None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.


How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
That's not funny!


How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. That's a hardware problem.


How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
Three, but they're really one.


How many economists does it take to change a light bulb?
Two: One to change the bulb, and the other to assume the ladder.


How many brewers does it take to change a light bulb?
One-third less than for a regular bulb.


How many Jewish-American Princesses does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to get a Tab, and one to call Daddy.


How many accountants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
What kind of answer did you have in mind?


How many members of the Impossible Missions Force does it take to change a 
light bulb?
Five: While Cinnamon creates a diversion by wearing a skimpy dress, I use a
tiny narcotic dart to knock out the fascist dictator and remove his body.
Rollin, wearing a plastic mask, masquerades as the dictator long enough for
Barney to sneak up to the next floor, drill a hole down into the light
fixture, remove the burned- out bulb, and replace it with a new super-high
wattage model of his own design. Meanwhile, Willie has driven up to the
door in a laundry truck. Just before Rollin's real identity is revealed, we
escape to the laundry truck, drive to the airfield, and return to the
United States.


How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two:  One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb itself
symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a
netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a cosmos of
nothingness.


How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a
suprising twist at the end. 


How many civil servants does it take to  change a light bulb?
45: One to change the bulb, and 44 to do the paperwork.


How many consultants does it take to  change a light bulb?
I'll have an estimate for you a week from Monday.


How many U.S. Marines does it take to  change a light bulb?
50: ¤nw to screw in the bulb and 49 to guard him.


How many technical writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Just one, provided there's a programmer around to explain how to do it.


How many Harvard students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Just one. He holds the light bulb and the universe revolves around him.


How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
3.  1 to screw it in, 1 to lecture on how the lightbulb is being oppressed, 
and 1 to secretly wish she were the lightbulb.


How many comp sci's does it take to change a light bulb?
None, that is a hardware problem.


How many systems programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. you'll never find one who'll admit it went down in the first place.


How many Christian Scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, to heal the old light bulb.


How many right-to-lifers does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. one to change the light bulb, and one to proclaim that life began at
the screwing.


How many Sorrority girls does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One. A sorrority girl will screw anywhere.


How many psychiatrists does it take to change in a light bulb?
One, but it has to really want to change.


How many punk rockers does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to change the bulb, and one to eat the old one.


How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
How many can you afford?


How many Southern-Californians does it take to change a light bulb?
Five. One to change it and four to share the experience.


How many women's libbers does it take to change a light bulb?
Four. One to change it and three to write books on it


How many southerners does it take to change a light bulb?
Five. One to change it and four to talk about how good the old one was.


How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. Just drop them in and they go right at it.


How many Southern Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb.
None. They screw in hot tubs.


How many witches does it take to change a light bulb?
Into what?


How many socialists does it take to screw in a proletarian light bulb?
None. A proletarian lightbulb already contains the seeds of its own
revolution.


How many tribbles does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. That is all that will fit. 


How many Chico State engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
Avg. Engineer = 130 pounds
Avg. Engineer can lift 1/2 body weight over his head
130/2=65 Pounds
Avg. Light bulb = 4 oz. = .25 Pounds
(1 Eng/65 pounds) * (.25 pounds) = 0.0038 engineers to change a bulb.


How many Russians does it take to change a light bulb?
21. One to change the bulb and 20 to shoot down the electrician.


How many Longshoremen does it take to change a light bulb?
Twenty-three.  You got a problem with that?


How many Microsoft Programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. Microsoft declare that darkness comes as a standard with Windows 95.


How many hardware folks does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They just have marketing portray the dead bulb as a feature.


How many APL hackers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. There's a primitive for that.


How many Russian leaders does it take to change a light bulb?
Nobody knows. Russian leaders don't last as long as light bulbs.


How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
Seven. One to install the new bulb and six to figure out what to do with the old 
one for the next 10,000 years.


How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb?
We don't know. They never get past the feasibility study.


How many Ukrainians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, because people who glow in the dark don't need light bulbs.


How many poets does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to curse the darkness, one to light a candle... and one to change 
the bulb.


How many stock brokers does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and sell it before it 
crashes (knowing that it's already burned out).

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