Add to favourites
realhumour.co.uk Visit our sponsor
RealHumour: UK Humour Portal V2 articles | images | toplist | links

Men-Bashing Jokes

What can a bird do that a man can't?
Whistle through its pecker.

Why did the man cross the road?
He heard the chicken was a slut.

Why don't women blink during foreplay?
They don't have time.

Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They won't stop to ask directions.

Why did God put men on earth?
Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.

Why don't women have men's brains?
Because they don't have penises to keep them in.

What is the insensitive bit at the base of the penis called?
The man.

What's the difference between government bonds and men?
Bonds mature.

What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
E.T. phoned home.

How are men like noodles?
They're always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.

Why do men like BMWs?
They can spell it.

What do a vagina, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.

Why are men like popcorn?
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

Why are men and spray paint alike?
One squeeze and they're all over you.

Why are men like blenders?
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

Why is food better than men?
Because you don't have to wait an hour for seconds.

Why do so many women fake orgasm?
Because so many men fake foreplay.

Why do men like frozen microwave dinners so much?
They like being able to both eat and make love in under 5 minutes.

Why would women be better off if men treated them like cars?
At least then they would get a little attention every 6 months or 50,000 miles, whichever came first.

What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date?
Slow.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One, men will screw anything.

Why do men have a hole in their penis?
So oxygen can get to their brains.

What is the difference between men and pigs?
Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.

What do ceramic tile and men have in common?
If you lay them right the first time, you can walk on them for life!

One day three guys were out walking, and they found a lamp. So, they rubbed the lamp and a genie poped out. He says "I'll grant you each one wish." These guys weren't so bright, so they all wanted to be smarter. The first guy says "I wish I was 10 times smarter." The genie says "POOF! You're 10 times smarter." The second guy says "I wish to to be 100 times smarter." and the genie says "POOF! You're 100 times smarter." The last guy says "I wish to be 1000 times smarter" And the genie says "POOF!! You're a woman!!"

A Lady goes to Toys R Us to buy a Barbie doll. She tells the clerk that she needs to buy a Barbie but doesn't know what's available or price. The clerk replies "we have Tennis Barbie and she's $28" Lady asks "well, anything else?" "We have an equestrian Barbie, and she's $28". Lady asks "anything else?" "Well, we have divorced Barbie and she's $250" The lady replies "I don't understand why divorced Barbie is so expensive. The others were only $28. What is so special about divorced Barbie?" The clerk replied "Simple, she comes with Ken's car, his house, and all his other stuff."

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die." "Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly. make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim." If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely. On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?" "You're going to die," she replied.

What is the thinnest book in the world?
What men know about women.

How do you save a man from drowning?
Take your foot off his head

How are men and parking spots alike?
The good ones are always taken and the ones left are handicapped.

What does a man consider a seven course meal?
A hot dog and a six pack of beer.

What have men and pathing slabs got in common?
If you lay them right, you can walk all over them.

On the Second day God says to Adam, "I have some good news... and some bad news." Adam responds, "Well tell me the good news first"
"Alright my son, the good news is I will give you both a brain and a penis... the bad news is I'm only going to give you enough blood to run one at a time"

What's the difference between getting a divorce and getting circumcised?
When you get a divorce, you get rid of the whole prick!

A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of?
Dating children.

What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle?
She knows she's given her last blow job.

Moms have Mother's Day, Fathers have Father's Day. What do Single guys have?
Palm Sunday.

Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?
Because their balls fall over their arsehole and they vapour-lock.

The three words most hated by men during sex?
"Are you In?" or "Is It In?"

Why do men take showers instead of baths?
Pissing in the bath is disgusting.

Three words women hate to hear when having sex?
"Honey, I'm home!"

What should you give a man who has everything?
Penicillin.

Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A dog only takes a couple of months to train.

How many men does it take to pop popcorn?
Three. One to hold the pan and two others to act macho and shake the stove.

Only a man would buy a $500 car and put a $4000 stereo in it.

What is the thickest book in the world?
"What Men Think They Know About Women"

What is the difference between a man and childbirth?
One can be terribly painful and sometimes almost unbearable while the other is just having a baby.

Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger.
What do men dream of?
Being stuck in an elevator with the Doublemint twins.

Husband: "This coffee isn't fit for a pig!"
Wife: "No problem, I'll get you some that is."

What's the difference between an intelligent man and a UFO?
I don't know, I've never seen either one.

What do you call a man who lost 95% of his brainpower?
A widower

When does a man open the door of the car for his wife?
A.When he has a new car.
B.When he has a new wife.

Why are gingerbread men the best men of all?
They are cute. They are sweet. and if they give you any lip, you can bite their heads off.

Did you hear about the woman who finally figured men out?
She died laughing before she could tell anybody.

If one man can wash one stack of dishes in one hour, how many stacks of dishes can four men wash in four hours?
None. They'll all sit down together and watch football on television.

What do you get when four men go fishing and one comes back after having caught nothing?
"Three Men And A Baby"

Which of the following lines will do a better job of frightening a man away?
a) Get away or I'll call the police!!!
b) I love you and want to marry you and have your children.

What's a man view of safe sex?
A padded headboard.

What do you call an intelligent man in America?
A tourist.

Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
So they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.

How does a man take a bubble bath?
He eats lots of beans for dinner.

Why do men name their penises?
Because their mother told them not to play with strangers.

Why are married women fatter than single women?
Because single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed, whereas married women come home, see what's in the Bed and go to the fridge!

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring,and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

When would you care for a man's company?
When he owns it.

Why do men get married?
So they don't have to hold their stomachs in any more.

How many men does it take to wallpaper a bathroom?
Three, if you slice them very thinly.

Why are blonde jokes so short?
So men can remember them.

What are a woman's four favourite animals?
A mink in the closet, a Jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bedroom, and a Jackass to pay for it all.

How can you tell if a man is happy?
Who cares?

Why do men buy electric lawn mowers?
So they can find their way back to the house.

How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.

A recent survey asked 100 sexually active women if their twat twitched after sex. 98% replied "No, he just rolls over and goes to sleep."
[Submitted by Jo and Karen via Forum]

Visit Pigboy!

InstantHangover.co.uk

articles | images | toplist | links Copyright © RealHumour 2003