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Miscellaneous - Short Jokes

Did you hear about the boarding house that blew up? 
Roomers are still flying.

A boat carrying red paint and a boat carrying blue paint crashed into each other.
Apparently the crew were marooned.

What is Mary short for?
She has no legs. 

A man falls off of a ten story building and doesn't get hurt, how come?
He was wearing a "light Fall" suit.

A pregnant woman gives birth and afterwards the doctor goes up to her and 
says "Do you want the good news or the bad news?" She asks for the bad 
news first and the doctor replies "The baby has ginger hair," "Well what 
is the good news then?" She asks. "It's dead" says the doctor.

Why do builders have see-through Tupperware lunchboxes? 
So they know if they are going to work or going home.

What's the difference between Sperm and Traffic Wardens?
Sperm have a 1,000,000 to 1 chance of becoming a human being.

What does an Eskimo keep his home together with?

What do the Green Bay Packers and The Los Angeles Police Department have in
Neither can stop a Bronco.

Two men were looking in a shop window, one points at a pair of trousers 
and says, "Thats the one I'd get."  At which point a Cyclops walks round 
the corner and kicks his head in.

Did you hear about the magic Tractor?
It turned into a field.

When blue collar workers go out together on a weekend they talk about 
When middle management are together, they talk about tennis.
Top management discusses golf.
Conclusion: The higher up you are in management, the smaller your balls.

Fu, Bu and Chu immigrated to the US from China. They decided to become 
American Citizens, and "Americanize" their names.
Bu - called himself "Buck"
Chu called himself "Chuck"
and Fu had to go back to China.

What is green and says "blub blub"?
A green Blub Blub.
What is blue and says "blub blub"?
There are no blue Blub Blubs.

What's green, and if it fell out of a tree, would kill you?
A pool table.

Two biscuits talking: One biscuit turns to the other ands asks "where do 
you live?" 
The other biscuit replys "I'm not telling you - you might nick my washing!"

A mother was buying her daughter a pair of shoes and whilst trying 
them on, the daughter asks, "Why have they got L and R written on 
them?". Her mother replied, "So you know which feet to put them on." 
Her daughter then says, "Is that why I have C&A written on my knickers?".

Mrs. Perkins was talking to her hair stylist.  "It's silly," she said, "but 
my daughter has some sort of crazy idea about losing her hair."
"What do you mean?" the beautician asked.
"Well, I overheard her on the phone the other day telling her best friend 
that she hoped she'd be bald soon."

A bloke walks into the newsagent and says "can I have the paper please?" 
The fellow behind the counter replies "Sure, you want todays or 
tomorrows" The bloke said "Ummm, I'll have tomorrows then thanks" The 
fellow replies "Well come back in the bloody morning."

A guy walks into the drug store and asks for a packet of condoms.
The pharmacist says, "That'll be $5.00 with the tax."
"Tacks?", the guy exclaims, "I thought you rolled them on!" 

Why don't you see more mini skirts on San Franciscan women?
Because the skirts don't hide their balls.

What do a Nun and '7-UP' have in common?
Never had it - Never will!

Why are they taking seatbelts out of Cadillacs?
Because velcro on the ceiling works much better.

What does NASA stand for?
Need Another Seven Astronauts.

What kind of wood won't float?
Natlie Wood.

What do you get when you cross a bowel movement with liquid nitrogen?

What do you say to a hitchhiker with one leg?
Hop in.

Many years ago, Descartes was sitting in a bar in Paris.  When the 
bartender asked him if he wanted another beer, he replied, "I think not" 
and disappeared.

Why is Hellen Keller's leg yellow?
Her dog is blind, too.

How do Helen Keller's parents punish her?
They leave the plunger in the toilet.

How did Helen Keller lose her right arm?
Trying to read the speed limit sign while going down the northway at 60 mph.

How did Helen Keller burn the side of her face?
Answering the iron.

How did she burn the other side?
The twat called back.

Why are cowboy hats like hemorrhoids?
Because sooner or later, every asshole gets one.

What is the difference between true love and herpes?
Herpes lasts forever.

How do you know when the woman bar-tender is ticked off at you?
She leaves the string in the bloody mary.

Why did the P.E. major cross the road?
To get three units.

Why did the punk rocker cross the road?
To get hit by a car.

Why is Cal-Tech like screwing a virgin.
Because it is hard to get in, and nine months later, you wish you never

Did you hear that Billy Jean King has a new line of work?
She sells Snap-On tools.

How are a tupperware container and a walrus alike?
They both like a tight seal.

How do you get a one armed Cajun out of a tree?
Wave at him.

What's the difference between between herpes and mono?
To get mono, you have to snatch a kiss...

Why do honeymoons only last 7 days?
Because 7 days makes a whole week.

How many editors of Poor Richard's Almanac does it take?
Many hands make light work.

Know why all the really beautiful women hang around the guys who are
cruel, nasty and otherwise obnoxious?
Because theres just no end to those pricks!

If you're American when you enter the bathroom, and you're American when you 
leave the bathroom, what are you while you're in the bathroom?

If I had a rooster and you had a donkey and your donkey ate my 
rooster's leg, what would have?
Two feet of cock in your arse.

What does a rooster and a prostitute have in common?
Roosters calling:  "cock-a-doodle-doo"   
Prostitute calling:  "any-cock-will-do"

What is the difference between a Hoover and a Harley?
With a Hoover... the dirtbag rides on the inside.

What did one paedophile say to another paedophile on the beach?
'Get out of my sun'.

A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, 
a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.
"What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor.
The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."

Do you want to hear the joke about the bed?
Well you can't, because it hasn't been made yet.

How is the Wonder Bra like a cattle drive? 
They both head'em up and move'em out.

Why don't girls like to date basketball players? 
You never know if they're going to dribble or shoot.

What happened when Caesar went to Mount Olive?
Popeye got pissed!

What did Lt. Worf find in the Enterprise's toilet? 
The Captain's log.

What is the definition of a tampon?
A beaver dam.

What is the definition of constipation?
A log jam.

What is the definition of pain?
Sliding down a knife using your bollocks as breaks and falling into a pool 
of vinegar!!
[Submitted by Claire Neill]

Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
Because everybody who can run, jump and swim are already in the U.S.

What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
Wiped his arse.

What do the gynaecologist and the Pizza delivery man have in common?
They both get to smell the goods but neither one of them can eat it.

How do you break a hillbilly's finger?
Punch him in the nose.

How can you tell if you're at a bulimic bachelor party?
The cake jumps out of the girl.

How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

Why don't blind people skydive?
It scares the shit out of the dog.

Why was the washing machine laughing?
Because it was taking the piss out of the undies.

When is a pixie not a pixie?
When he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a goblin'.

What's the definition of a Yankee?
Same thing as a "quickie", only you do it yourself.

Which of the following doesn't belong: wife, meat, eggs, blow job?
The blow job. You can beat your wife, your eggs, or your meat; but you 
just can't beat a blow job.

What is the definition of Confidence?
When your wife catches you in bed with another woman and you slap her 
on the ass and say, "You're next!"

What do you get if you cross a pit bull with a hooker?
Your last blow job.

What will Postman Pat be called when he retires?

What did the Serbian Primeminister say to the prostitute?
[Submitted by Joc]

Halloween and Thanksgiving have been called off for next year.
The witch is moving to New York and taking the turkey with her
[Submitted by Ted McRoberts]

What do you get if you cross a Jehova's witness with a Hell's Angel?
Someone who Knocks on your door and tells YOU to fuck-off!

Where does Saddam Hussein keep his CD's?
In Iraq.
[Submitted by Colin Sempey]

Where do scissors go on holiday? 
To Scisneyland of course! 
[Submitted via Forum by Sean Sullivan]

Walked past a man with one arm the other day and I said 
"Where are you going?"
"I'm going to change a light bulb", he replied.
"Will you be able to manage that?" I asked.
"Yeh, no problem, I've got the receipt!
[Submitted by David]

How do you make a vanilla shake?
Take it to a scary movie.

Did you hear about the moron who had eight vasectomies?
He had to... his wife kept getting pregnant.

Who invented fractions?
Henry the eighth.

A drunk man boards a bus. A Bible thumper tells him, "You're going
straight to hell." The drunk struggles to get up and says, "My God, I'm on
the wrong bus."

How do you tell who is the head nurse?
By the dirt on her knees.

What does a drowned man have in common with a pregnant woman?
He didn't get out in time.

I knew a guy once who was such a ladies man, he had seven girlfriends,
one for each day of the week. But there was never any danger of him
forgetting which one was which, because their names were... Sandy, 
Mandy, Trudy, Wendy, Kirsty, Heidi and Sally May.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the 
craft it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat 
it, too.

What's the difference between the Government and the Mafia?
One of them is organized.

There was a sausage and an egg in a frying pan, the egg said to the sausage,
"god it's hot in here!" and the sausage turned around in horror and said,
"aaaahhhhhh, oh my god, a talking egg!"
[submitted by Pikaflump via Forum]

Where does Kylie Minogue buy her kebabs? 
Jason`s Donor Van
[submitted by Pikaflump via Forum]

What type of file gets a hole from millimetres to inches? 
A paedophile.
[submitted by nadsat via Forum]

There are two paedophiles on a bus, and a girl about aged 8 gets on. 
One paedophile says to the other one, "I bet she was a stunner in her day!"
[submitted by nadsat via Forum]

Will Young, Robbie Williams and Kylie went for a night on the town. As they left 
the nightclub, Kylie slipped and got her head stuck between the  railings of the 
fence opposite the club. 
Robbie decided to take full advantage of this and lifted up her little skirt, pushed 
her thong to oneside and gave her a good seeing to. 
"Its your turn now, Will" grinned Robbie, but Will started crying. Robbie asked "Why
 are you crying, Will? What's wrong?" 
Will sobbed "My head won't fit between the railings!" 

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