Add to favourites
realhumour.co.uk Visit our sponsor
RealHumour: UK Humour Portal V2 articles | images | toplist | links

Miscellaneous - Long Jokes


Two men, sentenced to die in the electric chair on the same day, were led 
down to the room in which they would meet their maker. The priest had 
given them last rites, the formal speech had been given by the warden, 
and a final prayer had been said among the participants. The warden, 
turning to the first man, solemnly asked, "Son, do you have a last request?"
To which the man replied, "Yes sir, I do. I love dance music. Could you 
please play the Macarena for me one last time?"
"Certainly," replied the warden. He turned to the other man and asked, 
"Well, what about you, son? What is your final request?"
"Please," said the condemned man, "kill me first."


A man walks into a doctors office. He says, "Doctor, I'm suffering from silent
gas emissions. All day at work, I have these silent gas emissions. Last night
during a movie, I had 10 silent gas emissions. This morning in the car on the
way to your office, I had five silent gas emissions. And while waiting in your
waiting room I had three silent gas emissions. Right now, as a matter of fact,
I've just had two more."
The doctor replied, "Well, the first thing we're going to do is check is your
hearing!"


Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of 
years when he came home one day and confess to his wife that he had a terrible 
compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His 
wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill 
indicated that he`d be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on 
his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife 
could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What`s wrong, Bill?" 
she asked.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my 
penis into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn`t."
"Yes, I did." 
"My God, Bill, what happened?" 
"I got fired." 
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" 
"Oh, she got fired too."


Three Doctors arrived in heaven.  St. Peter asked the first one why he 
should be let into heaven.  The doctor said "Because I won the Nobel 
Peace Prize for my work." The second doctor was a little worried when 
his turn came.  He said, "I haven't won any prizes, but I've started 
free clinics and helped those in need for free."  St. Peter let him in.  
The third doctor said, "I'm responsible for all the HMO's across the 
United States."  St. Peter thought about it for a minute and said, "OK, 
I'll let you in, but only for three days." 


Two engineering students meet on campus one day. The first engineer calls out 
to the other, "Hey Nice bike! Where did you get it?"
"Well," replies the other, "I was walking to class the other day when this 
pretty, young coed rides up on this bike. She jumps off, takes off all of her 
clothes, and says 'You can have anything you want!!'" 
"Good choice," says the first, "her clothes wouldn't have fit you anyway."


A businessman boarded a flight and was lucky enough to be seated next to an 
absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he noticed she is 
reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replied, 
"This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that 
American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest 
average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?" He coolly replied, 
"Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."


On a train from London to Manchester, an American was berating the 
Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment. "You English 
are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. You think your 
stiff upper lips make your above the rest of us. Look at me...I'm me, 
I have Italian blood, French blood, a little Indian blood, and some 
Swedish blood. What do you say to that?" So the Englishman replied, 
"Very sporting of your mother."


A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk, and 
staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, 
asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man 
that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink, he could not 
be served additional liquor at this bar, and could a cab be called for 
him? The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs 
down off the bar stool and staggers out the front door. A few minutes later, 
the same drunk stumbles in the side door of the bar. He wobbles up to the 
bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and, still politely - 
but more firmly, refuses service to the man due to his inebriation, and again 
offers to call a cab. The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, 
curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and 
shaking his head. A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the 
back door of the bar.He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits 
and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically 
reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either 
a cab or the police will be called immediately.
The surprised drunk looks at the bartender, and in hopeless anguish, cries
"MAAAN! How many bars do you work at?


A general store owner hires a young female clerk with a penchant for very short 
skirts. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk, and glances 
at the loaves of bread behind the counter. "I`d like some raisin bread, please." 
the man says politely. The clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin 
bread located on the very top shelf. The man, standing almost directly beneath 
her, is provided with an excellent view. As the clerk retrieves the bread, a 
small group of male customers gather around the young man, looking in the same 
direction.
Pretty soon each person is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb 
up and down. After a few trips the clerk is tired and irritated. She stops and 
fumes at the top of the ladder, glaring at the men standing below. She notices 
an elderly man standing amongst the throng. "Is yours raisin too?" the clerk 
yells testily. "No," croaks the feeble old man.... "But it`s startin` to twitch."


A teenager comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his 
father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential 
and reality?" His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll 
display it to you. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert 
Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep 
with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what 
you've learned."
The kid is puzzled, but he decides to see if he can figure out what his 
father means. He asks his mother, "Mom, if someone gave you a million 
dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?" His mother looks around 
slyly, and then with a little smile on her face says, "Don't tell your 
father, but, yes, I would."
Then he goes to his sisters room and asks her, "Sis, if someone gave you a 
million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?" His sister looks up and 
says, "Oh my god! Definitely!"
The kid goes back to his father and says, "Dad, I think I've figured it out. 
Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we are 
living with a couple of whores."


There were three construction workers, an Englishman, and Irishman and 
a Scotsman and they were sitting at the top of a building. The Englishman 
opened his lunchbox and said, "Oh no, cheese spread sandwiches, if I get 
them again I will jump off this building." The Irishman opened his 
lunchbox and said, "Not again, if I get fish paste sandwiches again I am 
gonna jump off this building." Then the Scotsman opened his lunchbox and 
said, "Oh.. Peanut butter again... if I get this tomorrow I will jump." 
The next day, the three were sitting at the top of the building, it was 
lunchtime. The Englishman opened his lunchbox, saw the cheese spread 
sandwiches and jumped off the building. The Irishman opened his, saw 
the fish paste sandwiches and jumped off the building. Then Scotsman 
opened his, saw the peanut butter  sandwiches and jumped off the building 
aswell. After the funerals, the men's wives got together; "Oh if only I 
had given him something else he would be alive today," said the 
Englishman's wife. "If I'd had just changed the filling my husband would 
still be alive," said the Irishman's wife. "I don't know why my husband 
did it," sobbed the Scotsmans wife, "he made his own sandwiches." 


As Mr. Smith was on his deathbed, he attempted to formulate a plan 
that would allow him to take at least some of his considerable wealth 
with him. He called for the three men he trusted most - his lawyer, 
his doctor, and his clergyman. He told them, "I'm going to give you 
each $30,000 in cash before I die.  At my funeral, I want you to place 
the money in my coffin so that I can try to take it with me."  All 
three agreed to do this and were given the money.  At the funeral, each 
approached the coffin in turn and placed an envelope inside. While 
riding in the limousine to the cemetery, the clergyman said "I have to 
confess something to you fellows. Brother Smith was a good churchman all 
his life, and I know he would have wanted me to do this.  The church 
needed a new baptistery very badly, and I took $10,000 of the money he 
gave me and bought one.  I only put $20,000 in the coffin." The physician 
then said, "Well, since we're confiding in one another, I might as well 
tell you that I didn't put the full $30,000 in the coffin either. Smith 
had a disease that could have been diagnosed sooner if I had this very 
new machine, but the machine cost $20,000 and I couldn't afford it then. 
I used $20,000 of the money to buy the machine so that I might be able 
to save another patient. I know that Smith would have wanted me to do 
that." The lawyer then said, "I'm ashamed of both of you.  When I put 
my envelope into that coffin, it held my personal check for the full 
$30,000."


A man, called to testify at the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on 
what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a 
pauper." Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite 
advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and 
tie." 
Confused, the man went to his rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, 
and requested some resolution of the dilemma. "Let me tell you a story," 
replied the rabbi. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what 
to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that 
goes right upto your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got 
conflicting advice. 'Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right 
down to your navel." The man protested: "What does all this have to do 
with my problem with the IRS?"
"No matter what you wear, you are going to get... screwed."


Some friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a
small florist shop to raise the funds. Since everyone liked to buy
flowers from the men of God, the rival florist across town thought the
competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but
they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They
ignored him. He asked his mother to go and ask the friars to get out of
business. They ignored her, too. So, the rival florist hired Hugh
MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town, to "persuade"
them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying
he'd be back if they didn't close shop. Terrified, the friars did so -
thereby proving that... Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist
friars.


This fellow who had spent his whole life in the desert comes to visit a
friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While standing 
in the middle of the RR tracks one day, he hears this whistle "Whooee da 
Whoee!"  but doesn't know what it is. 
Predictably, he's hit, but, only a glancing blow, and is thrown, 
ass-over-tea-kettle, to the side of the tracks, with some minor internal 
injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises. 
After weeks in the hospital recovering, he's at his friend's house attending 
a party, one evening. While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears the tea kettle
whistling. He grabs a baseball bat from the nearby closet and proceeds to
batter and bash the tea kettle into an unrecognizable lump of metal. His 
friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes into the kitchen, sees what's happened 
and asks the desert man, "Why'd you ruin my good tea kettle?" The desert man 
replies, "Man, you gotta kill these things when they're small."


A young punker gets on the cross-town bus. He's got spiked, multicolored 
hair that's green, purple, and orange. His clothes are a tattered mix of 
leather rags. His legs are bare and he's without shoes. His entire face 
and body are riddled with pierced jewelry and his earrings are big, bright 
feathers. He sits down in the only vacant seat, directly across from an old 
man who just glares at him for the next ten miles.
Finally, the punk gets self conscious and barks at the old man: "What are you
looking at you old fart... didn't you ever do anything wild when you were young?"
Without missing a beat, the old man replies: "Yeah. Back when I was young and in
the Navy, I got really drunk one night in Singapore, and had sex with a parrot. I
thought maybe you were my son."


A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and 
build things to be self-sufficient gets word that he is to return home. He 
realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak 
English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest. He points 
to a tree and says to the chief "This is a tree." The chief looks at the 
tree and replies "Tree." The missionary is pleased with the response. They 
walk a little farther and the padre points to a rock and says "This is a 
rock." Hearing this, the chief looks and replies "Rock." The padre is really 
getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. 
As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple in the midst of heavy romantic 
activity. The padre is really flustered and   
quickly responds "Riding a bike." The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls 
out his blow gun and kills them. The padre goes ballistic and yells at the 
chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind 
to each other, so how could he just kill these people in cold blood that way? 
The chief replied: "My bike." 


A bloke went to work one day and was met at the door by his boss. "You're
fired, and there is a summons for your arrest!" the boss exclaimed. The 
bloke then started to drive home when the steering went out on his car 
and he ran into a group of nuns. After the policeman let him go with the 
collection of tickets, he called his insurance company, only to find out 
that his wife forgot to send in the premium payment and that his insurance 
ran out last week. On his way home, he stopped into the bank to get some 
money and found out that his wife had been there earlier with his best 
friend and emptied the accounts. After leaving the bank, he was on his 
way home and saw fire engines heading down his street. On arriving at his 
house, he found that it was his house on fire. The firechief said that it 
was going to be a total loss. Again, calling the insurance company, he 
found that the homeowner's insurance also had been cancelled. The bloke, 
now somewhat depressed, went into the local bar. He told the bartender 
his story and the bartender said, "You've got the chance of a lifetime. 
All your obligations are gone and you can start all over. Why don't you 
take this bucket, go up to Huckleberry Hill, pick huckleberries, and sell 
them door to door." Well, this sounded O.K. to the bloke, so off he went. 
After picking most of the day he finally had enough berries to sell. At 
the first house he stopped at the woman said that she would indeed take 
all his huckleberries but would he mind coming around to the back door. 
As the bloke got to the back door the woman opened it and she was naked. 
The bloke just broke down and started crying. The woman was quite beside 
herself and asked what the problem was. The bloke answered "I've lost my 
job, my car is ruined, my wife ran off with my best friend taking all my 
money, my house burned down, all my insurance has been cancelled, and now... 
You're going to screw me out of my huckleberries."


A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a 
particularly slow group of golfers. "What's with these guys? We must 
have been waiting for 15 minutes!" said the Engineer, "I don't know, but 
I've never seen such ineptitude!" replied the Doctor. The Pastor chirped 
in, "Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him. [pause] 
Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, 
aren't they?". "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost 
their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let 
them play for free anytime." said George. The group was silent for a 
moment. "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." 
said the Pastor, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist 
friend and see if there's anything he can do for them." said the Doctor. 
"Why can't these guys play at night?" said the Engineer.


Stosh had been out of work for close to two years. Needless to say, he 
was getting pretty desperate for money. He decided to go to the richer 
neighbourhoods around town and look for odd jobs as a handyman. Well, 
the first house he came to, a man answered the door and told Stosh, 
"Yeah, I have a job for ya.  How would you like to paint the porch? 
"Sure, that sounds great !" said Stosh. "Well, uh, how much do you want 
me to pay you?" said the man. "Is 50 all right ?" Stosh asked. "Yeah, 
that's great. You'll find all the paint and ladders you'll need in the 
garage." The man went back into his house to his wife, who had been 
listening. "50! Does he know the porch goes all the way around the 
house?" she asked. "Well he must, he was standing right on it !" her 
husband replied. About 15 minutes later, Stosh knocked on the door. 
"I'm all finished," he said. The man was amazed. "You painted the whole 
porch?" "Yep," Stosh replied, "I even had some paint left, so I put on 
two coats!" The man reached into his wallet to pay Stosh. "Oh, by the 
way," said Stosh as he pocketed the money, "that's not a Porch, it's a 
Ferrari!"


Santa was very cross. It was Xmas Eve and nothing was going right. 
Mrs. Claus had burned all the cookies.  The elves were complaining 
about not getting paid for the overtime they had while making the toys.
The reindeer had been drinking all afternoon and were dead drunk. To 
make matters worse, they had taken the sleigh out earlier and had 
crashed it into a tree.
Santa was furious.  "I can't believe it! I've got to deliver millions 
of presents all over the world in just a few hours - all of my reindeer 
are drunk, the elves are on strike and I don't even have a Christmas 
tree! I sent that stupid Little Angel out hours ago to find a tree and 
he isn't even back yet!  What am I going to do?"
Just then, the Little Angel opened the front door and stepped in from 
the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree.  He says, "Yo, fat man! 
Where do you want me to stick the tree this year?."  
And thus the tradition of angels atop the Christmas trees came to pass.


So this lady is giving a party for her granddaughter, and has gone all 
out... caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party starts 
two bums show up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the 
woman tells them that they can get a meal if they will chop some wood 
out back. Gratefully, they head to the rear of the house. Guests arrive, 
and all is going well, with the children having a wonderful time. But 
the clown has not shown up, and finally, the clown calls to report that 
he is stuck in traffic, and will probably not make the party at all. 
The woman is very disappointed and unsuccessfully tries to entertain 
the children herself. She happens to look out the window and sees one 
of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watches in awe as he 
swings from tree branches, does midair flips, and leaps high in the air. 
She speaks to the other bum and says, "What your friend is doing is 
absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your 
friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at 
the party? I would pay him $50!" Other bum says, "Well, I dunno. Let 
me ask him. "HEY WILLIE! FOR $50, WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?"


A woman goes to a doctor to discuss her husband's infertility problem. 
The doctor says just give your husband these pills in his next meal and 
standback. 
The woman goes home and hands the pills to her cook who was preparing 
dinner for a dinner party later that night. The woman says to the cook, 
"just put two of these in my husband dinner tonight".
As the woman walks out of the kitchen the cook thinks, sure, like I got 
nothing better to do, and she throws the whole bunch into the soup. 
As the guests were sitting down to dinner, the cook comes out of the 
kitchen and advises the lady of the house that she must speak to her in 
that there is a big problem in the kitchen.
The lady of the house follows the cook into the kitchen and demands to 
know what is going on. The cook admits to throwing all the pills into 
the soup and crys "I don't know what to do, the meat balls have doubled 
in size and the vermicelli is standing straight up".


A guy was playing golf at some fancy club, and just as he was about to
tee off , a cart drives up.  These two guys get out and hand him a note
saying, "We are deaf, may we play through?".  The guy says, "Hell
no!", and tees off anyway.  Later on (after six shots), he is on the
green about to putt when a ball comes from out of nowhere and misses his
head by an inch.  "What the fuck",  he yells, as the deaf guys drive up 
and hand him a note that says, "FORE".


Man and his friend meet on the golf course and decide to finish off the 
round together. The friend has a little dog with him and, on the next green 
when the friend holes out with a 20 foot putt, the little dog starts yipping 
and stands up on its hind legs. The Man is quite amazed at this clever trick 
of the dog's and says, "That dog is really talented! What does it do if you 
miss a putt??" The man replies, "It all depends on how hard I kick it" 


There was once a man by the name Reverend Fuzz.  He was very respected in
the community, and shocked to learn (one day, in private) that his son
spent his nights with whores and women of ill repute.  Not wanting the
others in his congregation to know, but filled with interest to see just
how his son spent his nights, he followed his son as his son set out.  He
followed far enough behind so that his son didn't see him, and followed
his son to a windowless building in the woods.  His son entered the door,
and the good Reverend thought of ways in which he might catch his son in
the act. Looking around, he found a ladder to the roof, which he promptly
climbed. Once on the roof, he was shocked to find that it was made of
glass, and revealed a room full of prostitutes and his son enjoying sinful
pleasures of the flesh.  He was so shocked, that he fell through the roof.
It just so happened, that at that very moment, the police broke in and
raided the building.  A police office slapped the Reverend into cuffs, and
the Reverend cried, "but you can't, I'm Pastor Fuzz!"


The seating arrangements on a flight put a timid little guy in a
window seat next to a big Texan who's in the aisle seat.  After the
plane takes off, the Texan quickly falls asleep.  Pretty soon the
little guy starts to get air-sick but is afraid to wake up the Texan
so he can get to the rest-room.  Before he gets a chance to make up
his mind, his stomach makes it up for him and he suddenly barfs all
over the Texan. He is horrified and immediately begins to worry about
what the Texan will do to him when he wakes up.  The Texan finally
awakens, looks down at the mess on himself, looks over at the little
guy and starts to frown.  The little guy , with deep concern showing
in his voice, quickly asks "Sir, are you feeling better now ?"


America, Russia and Japan are sending up a two year shuttle mission with one
astronaut from each country.  Since it's going to be two years up there, each
may take any form of entertainment weighing 150 pound or less.
The American approaches the NASA board and asks to take his 125 lb wife.
They approve.
The Japanese astronaut says, "I've always wanted to learn Greek.  I want
150 lbs of books to learn Greek with."  The NASA board approves.
The Russian astronaut thinks for a second and says, "It's gonna be two years
up there.  I want 150 pounds of the best Cuban cigars ever made."   Again,
NASA okays it.
Two years later, the shuttle lands and everyone is gathered outside the
shuttle to see what each astronaut got out of his personal entertainment.
Well, it's obvious what the American's been up to, He and his wife are each
holding and infant.  The crowd cheers.  The Japanese astronaut steps out and
makes a 10 minute speech in absolutely perfect Greek.  The crowd doesn't
understand a word of it, but they're impressed and they cheer.  The Russian
astronaut stomps out, clenches the podium until his knuckles turn white,
glares at the first row waving a chewed up cigar at them and says, "Anybody 
got a match?"


Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar. One complained to the
other, "Boy, business sucks. If I don't sell more cars this month,
I'm going to lose my fucking ass." Too late he noticed a beautiful
blonde sitting two stools away.
Immediately, he apologized for his bad language. "That's okay," the
blonde replied, "If I don't sell more ass this month, I'm going to
lose my fucking car."


A woman is walking down the street when she sees an advert in the
window which reads, "Good Home Wanted for Clitoris Licking Frog."
This woman can't believe the ad but goes in to ask.
There is a young boy behind the counter. She walks in and asks him,
"I've come about the Clitoris Licking Frog."
The young guy smiles and replies, "Oui, Madame."


A man and his wife were both avid golfers. As fate would have it, they both 
died at the same time, and arrived at the Pearly Gates together. St. Pete 
showed them around, and when they came to the GOLF COURSE, they were 
overwealmed.
It was GORGEOUS!  THE WORKS, Fabulous GREENS, great CLUBHOUSE, the most 
magnificent set of clubs in history for each of them, in short, a golfers 
dream!
As they teed off on the first hole, the guy looked at the wife, and said:
"If it wasn't for your fucking oat-bran, we could have been here years ago."


The Russains spent 2 million dollars to find out why the head of the mans 
penis is wider than the rest.  They came to the conclusion that it was for the 
sole pleasure of the woman.  Well the United States not wanting to be out done 
by the Russains, spent 4 million dollars on the same thing, and came to the 
conclusion that it was for the sole for the pleasure of the man.  Well Poland, 
not having the funds, and not  wanting to be outdone by the super powers spent 
$1.98 on the same experiment and came to conclusion that it was to prevent the 
hand from flying off the end.
He's the one who chews off three legs and is still caught in the trap.


Jack had been dating Jill for over a year now and was finally ready to
pop the question.  He decided to do it over dinner and invited Jill out
to a restuarant.
After dinner, Jack said to Jill, "Honey, I've got something rather important
to ask you, but first, there is something else I want to ask you."
Jill, a little surprised, said, "Well sure, what is it"
"Well, I wanted to know how you feel about sex.", Jack inquired.
Jill replied, "Oh, it's fine, as long as it is infrequent."
Jack paused for a second, then asked, "Is that one word, or two?"


This nun walked into a liqour store. She walked up to the cashier and said, 
"Could you give me a bottle of whiskey?"
The man replied, "Sister, I can't, I really . . ."
"Please, I need it," the Nun interrupted.
"But Sister, I just..." The Cashier was again interuppted.
"Really, It's all right. It's for medical purposes."
"Medical purposes?" The Cashier asked.
"Yes."
"Oh... Well, I guess so. Here, take it for free, I just couldn't charge any 
money." The Cashier handed her a bottle of whiskey. She walked off with the 
bottle.
About four hours later, the cashier was locking up. And lo-behold, as he was 
walking to his car, there the nun was, on the other side of the street, 
weaving and swerving from side to side, singing a song.  The cashier called 
out to her, "Sister, you told me it was for medical purposes!"
The nun replied, "It is. You see, the Mother Superior is constipated, and when 
she sees me like this, she's gonna shit!"


A man walks into an antique store and begins browsing through the 
merchandise.  A small bronze sculpture of a rat catches his eye.  For some 
reason, this curio fascinates him and he decides that he has to have it.  So 
he picks it up and walks over to the proprietor.
"How much for this?", he asks.
"I'd think twice about getting that if I were you.  Everyone who's bought it 
before has come back the next day to return it,"  says the proprietor.
"Why?"
"I don't know--but they seem to be in an awful hurry to get rid of it."
The customer thinks this over and finally decides to purchase the item.  He 
walks out of the store and begins to make his way home.  As he is walking down 
a dark alley, he hears a scuttling noise behind him.  Quickly turning around, 
he sees two rats following him down the path.
"That's odd", he thinks to himself and begins to walk faster.
A few minutes later, he turns around again and this time there are 3 dozen 
rats following him!  He begins to break into a trot.
Next time he turns around, there are 200 rats!  Now he's running as fast as he 
can.
After a couple of minutes, he can't stand the suspense any longer and looks 
over his shoulder...
Thousands of rats, as far as the eye can see, are marching behind him!
Now he begins to panic.  He looks at the figurine in his hand and it dawns on 
him what's going on.  He changes direction and begins to make his way to the 
waterfront.  When he reaches the harbor, he takes the figure and hurls it into 
the water.  Thousands of rats dive into the water after it and drown!
The next day, the man returns to the antique shop.  The owner is astonished to 
find him empty-handed.
"You didn't bring it back??" he inquires.
"No, I've just one question.  Do you have one which is shaped like a lawyer?"


A man goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having a nightmare - 
the man wakes him and asks his son if he is OK? The son replies he is scared because 
he dreamt that Auntie Susie had died.  The father assures the son that Auntie Susie 
is fine and sends him to bed. The next day, Auntie Susie dies.
One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. 
His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his son.  The son this time 
says that he had dreamt that grandad had died.
The father assures the son that grandad is fine and sends him to bed. The next day, 
grandad dies.
One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. 
His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his son. The son this time 
says that he had dreamt that daddy had died.  The father assures the son that he is 
OK and sends the boy to bed. The man goes to bed but cannot sleep because he is so 
terrified. The next day, the man is scared for his life - he is sure is going to die. 
After dressing he drives very cautiously to work fearful of a collision.  He doesn't 
eat lunch because he is scared of food poisoning.  He avoids everyone for he is sure 
he will somehow be killed.  He jumps at every noise, starts at every movement and 
hides under his desk for safety. Upon walking in his front door, he finds his wife.
"Good God, Dear," he proclaims, "I've just had the worst day of my entire life!"
She responds, "You think your day was bad, the milkman dropped dead on the doorstep 
this morning". 


A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second 
hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it 
and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit. 9 Iron" The man looks around and 
doesn't see anyone.
"Ribbit. 9 Iron."
He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club 
away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! he hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked.
He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?"
The frog reply's "Ribbit. Lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with him 
to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks.
"Ribbit. 3 wood."
The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't 
know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in 
his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. Las 
Vegas." They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, 
"Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, "What do you 
think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. $3000, black 6." Now, this is a 
million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. 
Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings 
and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't 
know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."
The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all the frog 
did for him he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old 
girl. "And that, your honour, is how the girl ended up in my room." 


This small skinny dude walks up to the bar and starts to sit on a bar stool, and a 
big dude on the next stool says, "That seat's taken!" The little dude sits down 
anyway. The big dude grabs him and whacks him several times with the back of his 
hand and tells the bartender, "When he wakes up, tell him that was Judo from Japan."
Next day the little dude returns, before the big dude gets a chance to hit him, he 
hits the big dude several times and the big dude falls to the floor. The little dude 
tells the bartender, "Tell that sucker when he wakes up, that was a Monkey Wrench 
from Sears."


One day, two deputies in the Sheriff's Office answered an emergency call at a 
farmhouse. When they walked in, they found the nude bodies of a man and a woman 
in the bedroom. They had been shot to death.  When they went to the living room, 
they found the body of a man with a gun at his side.
"No doubt about it," one deputy said to the other.  "This was a double murder and 
suicide. This guy came home and found his wife in bed with somebody else and shot 
them both. Then he shot himself."
"You're right," the other deputy replied.  "Double murder and suicide.  But I'll 
bet you when the sheriff gets here he's going to say 'it could have been worse.'"
"No way. How could it be worse?  There are three people in the house, and all of 
them have been shot to death.  It couldn't be worse. You're on."
About that time, the old sheriff arrived at the scene.  He walked into the bedroom 
and saw the two nude bodies.  He then walked into the living room and saw the man 
on the floor with the gun by his side.
"No doubt about it," the sheriff said, shaking his head.  "It was a double murder 
and suicide.  This guy came home and found his wife in bed with somebody else and 
shot them both. Then he shot himself." After hesitating for a moment, the old sheriff 
looked his deputies squarely in the eyes.  
"But, you know," he said, "it could have been worse."
The deputy who had lost the bet jumped up and shouted, "Sheriff, how could it have 
been worse?  There are three people in this farmhouse, and all three of them are 
dead. It couldn't have been worse."
"Yes it could," the sheriff retorted.  "You see that guy there on the floor? If he 
had come home yesterday, that would be me in there in that bed!"


Paddy and Mike were inseparable friends; Paddy was crippled. One day, Mike bursts 
in on the pastor in his rectory and says, "Father, Father,  ye wouldn't believe 
what just happened to Paddy in the Church!"
"Well, then tell me lad. What happened to Paddy in me church?" 
"Well, Paddy walked into the Church on his crutches. He reached into the holy 
water font, rubbed holy water all over his right leg, and threw away his right 
crutch. And Paddy is a cripple, ye know."
"Yes, yes, I know. Then what happened?" asks the priest.
"Paddy did the same thing with his left leg and threw away his other crutch. And 
Paddy is a cripple, ye know."
"Yes, yes, I know that! For the love of Jesus, Michael, tell me what happened next!"
"Oh," says Mike, "he fell right on his ass!  He's a cripple, ye know."


A fella was in the market to buy some acreage. He found just what  he was looking 
for, but it was a little expensive. During an inspection of the property, however, 
he found a hive of bees.
He told the owner that he was deathly afraid of bees, and there was no way he 
could consider this piece of land. The landowner assured him that the bees were 
completely harmless, but the buyer would have no part of it.
Finally, the landowner made an offer. The buyer would allow himself to be tied to 
a tree for an hour, nude, under the nest. So sure of the friendliness of his bees 
was the farmer that if ONE bee were to sting him, the farm would be his for free. 
The buyer thought it over and decided it was worth the risk.
An hour later, the farmer walked out to the tree and saw the poor buyer slumped 
over in his bindings.  Fearing the worst, he ran up to him and asked him if he 
had been stung. The city fella looked up and weakly said, "No, but doesn't that 
calf have a mother?"


While cruising at 40,000 feet, the airplane shuddered and Mr. Benson looked out 
the window. "Good lord!" he screamed, "one of the engines just blew up!"
Other passengers left their seats and came running over; suddenly the aircraft 
was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side.
The passengers were in a panic now, and even the stewardesses couldn't maintain 
order. Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from 
the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about.  His 
words and his demeanor seemed made most of the passengers feel better, and they 
sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft.  
There, he grabbed several packages from under the seats and began handing them 
to the flight attendants.  Each crew member attatched the package to their backs.
"Say," spoke up an alert passenger, "aren't those parachutes?" The pilot said 
they were. The passenger went on, "But I thought you said there was nothing to 
worry about?" 
"There isn't," replied the pilot as a third engine exploded. "We're going to get 
help."


A man was travelling accross the world in his yacht when, it sinks and he has 
to swim to a nearby island. When he awakes the next morning he decides to look 
around and dicovers he is alone on the island with a dog and a female pig.
Over the weeks he starts to develope feelings towards the sow, but each time 
he goes near it the dog starts barking. So he gives up.
Much later the man sees another boat on the sea that is sinking, so he swims 
out to it and rescues its pilot, a beutiful young woman, taking her back to 
shore, he gives her the kiss of life. When she comes round she says (with much 
fluttering of eyelids) that she is so happy to be alive that she says she will 
do anything for the man. After thinking about this for a while the man says, 
"Can you take the dog for a long walk around the island". 


An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a 
man if he has never been (sexually) with a woman.  After several unsuccessful 
years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad.
She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian 
Outback. They end up getting married.  On their wedding night, she goes into the 
bathroom to prepare for the festivities. 
When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle 
of the room, naked, and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner.
"What happened?" she asks.
"I've never been with a woman" he says, "but if it's anything like screwing a 
kangaroo, I'm gonna need all the room I can get!"


Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie, each 
with the bravado for which cowboys are famous.  A night of tall tales begins.
The first says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is.  Why, just 
the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled 
it to the ground, by the horns, with my bare hands."
The second can't stand to be bested.  "Why that's nothing.  I was walking down 
the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made 
a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off, and 
sucked the poison down in one gulp.  And I'm still here today."
The third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his penis.


There were 2 blokes in a pub discussing their sex lives.
One bloke says to the other, "How's your sex life, mate?"
The other bloke says, "Not too good. Every time me and the missus have sex,
she loses interest half way through. It's very frustrating."
The first bloke says, "Yeah, I know what you mean. I used to have the same
problem, but I found a cure. I hid a starter pistol under the bed. When she
started to run out of steam, I simply fired the starter pistol. It gave her
such a fright that she got all excited, and couldn't get enough. I wish I'd
done it years ago."
The other bloke says, "OK, I think I'll try that."
The next day they are back in the pub again.
The first bloke says, How did you get on with the starter pistol?"
The other bloke says, "Fuck mate! Don't talk to me about starter pistols!
Last night we were having sex. As usual, she lost interest half way
through, so I fired the starter pistol, just like you said."
The first bloke says, "So what happened?"
The other bloke says, "She bit my cock off, shat in my face, and a man came
out of the wardrobe with his hands up!"


Mr. Smith knocks on his neighbour's door and a woman open the door. "Do you
screw your husband?" he asks her. The woman feels very offended and slams
the door in his face.
The following morning Mr. Smith walkes next door and again the woman open
the door. "Do you screw your husband?" he asks her again. The woman again,
very mad, slams the door in his face without answer.
The third morning the same thing happens. "Do you screw your husband?" he
asks her. This time the woman replies in disgust, "I can't see how it has
anything to do with you, but, yes, I screw my husband everynight!!!"
Mr. Smith replies, "So why does he keep screwing my wife then?"


A henpecked husband was advised by a psychiatrist to assert
himself. "You don't have to let your wife bully you," he said. "Go 
home and show her you're the boss." 
The husband decided to take the doctor's advice. He went home, 
slammed the door, shook his fist in his wife's face, and growled, 
"From now on you're taking orders from me. I want my supper right 
now, and when you get it on the table, go upstairs and lay out my 
clothes.  Tonight I am going out with the boys. 
You are going to stay at home where you belong. Another thing, you 
know who is going to tie my bow tie?"
"I certainly do," said his wife calmly, "the undertaker."


Storming into his lawyer's office, a Texas oil magnate demanded 
that divorce proceedings begin at once against his young bride.
"What's the problem?"
"I want to hit that adulterin' bitch for breach of contract," 
snapped the oil man.
"I don't know if that will fly," said the lawyer.  "I mean your wife 
isn't a piece of property; you don't own her!"
"Damn right," the tycoon rejoined, "but I sure as hell expect 
exclusive drillin' rights!


A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity; looking up,
looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and 
speed. Driving his partner nuts. Finally his exasperated partner says, 
"What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!"
The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. 
I want to make this a perfect shot."
"Forget it, man-you don't stand a snowball's chance in fuck of
hitting her from here!"


Late one night at the insane asylum one inmate shouted, "I am 
Napoleon!" Another one said, "How do you know?" The first inmate said, 
"God told me!" Just then, a voice from another room shouted, "I did 
NOT."


The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his 
breath and lipstick on his cheek. "I assume," she snarled, "that there 
is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in at six o'clock in the 
morning?" 
"There is." he replied, "Breakfast."


After hearing a shot, Hank ran next door and found his friend Tony 
crying. "Say, what's wrong?" Hank asked. 
Tony sobbed, "I had to shoot my dog."
Hank said, "My God! Was he fuckin' mad?" 
Tony replied, "Well, he wasn't exactly fuckin' overjoyed." 


And old man was talking to a young acquaintance, "Lad, look out there to the 
field. Do ya see that fence? Look how well it's built. I built that fence
stone by stone with me own two hands. I piled it for months. But do they call 
me McGreggor-the-Fence-Builder? Nooo.."
Then the old man gestured at the bar. "Look here at the bar. Do ya see how
smooth and just it is? I planed that surface down by me own achin' back. I
carved that wood with me own hard labour, for eight days. But do they call
me McGreggor-the-Bar-builder? Nooo..." 
Then the old man points out the window. "Eh, Laddy, look out to sea. Do ya 
see that pier that stretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier 
with the sweat off me back. I nailed it board by board. But do they call me  
McGreggor-the-Pier-Builder? Nooo..." Then the old man looks around nervously, 
trying to make sure no one is paying attention. "But ya fuck one goat..."


The pilot of a plane was getting ready to take off. He announced over the 
intercom all the usual stuff but he forgot to turn it off. The co-pilot 
then asks him how he is holding up.
He replies, "I could use a blowjob and a cup of coffee." The flight attendant 
then goes running up front to tell him the intercom is on, when someone yells 
out, "Don't forget the coffee."
[Submitted by Chris]


Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching the telly when he hears a knock at 
the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching 
a clipboard and yelling: "You sign! You sign!". Behind him is an enormous truck 
full of car exhausts.
Nelson is standing there in complete amazement when the Chinese man starts to 
yell louder. "You sign! You sign!"
Nelson says to him, "Look mate, you've obviously got the wrong bloke. Now go 
away." -- and shuts the door in his face.
The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the little 
Chinese man is back, with a huge truck full of brake pads. He thrusts his 
clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling: "You sign! You sign!" Mr Mandela is 
getting a bit hacked off by now, so he shoves the little Chinese man back,
shouting: "Look, you've got the wrong bloke I don't want them!", then slams 
the door in his face again.  
The following day Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, hears a knock 
on the door again.  Upon opening the door, the little Chinese man thrusts the 
same clipboard under his nose, shouting "You sign! You sign!". Behind him are 
TWO large trucks full of car windscreens.
Nelson loses his  temper completely, picks the little man up by his shirt front 
and yells at him: "Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have 
the wrong name! Why do you want to give these to me?" The little Chinese man 
looks at him a bit puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says: "You not Nissan 
Maindealer?"
[Submitted by Marc Towers]


There is an American, a German and a Polack in a prison cell, having committed
a crime. They are going to get executed by a firing squad. They first went and 
got the American. The executioner says, "Ready, Aim..." and the American says, 
"Tornado!" and the executioner ran to hide leaving the American to escape. 
The next day they brought out the German. The executioner says, "Ready, Aim..." 
and the German says "Hurricane!" and the executioner ran to hide, leaving the 
German to escape. 
The next day they bring in the Polack and the executioner says "Ready, Aim..." 
and the polock points to the woods and yells, "FIRE!" thinking that they will 
run away too. But they shot him.
[Submitted by Trevor]


Okay, this bloke decides to have a fancy dress party, and so invites his three best 
friends. His first mate turns up and is wearing a red tomato. The host says "Why have 
you come like that?" and the guest says "I'm red with anger."
The second bloke turns up dressed as a green pepper.  The host again inquires why.  
"I'm green with envy." says the guest. "okaaay.." says the host.
The third bloke turns up butt naked with his nob in a bowl of custard.  "why...?" says
the host, "I'm fuckindiscustard!" he replies.
[Submitted by Joc]


A woman was sitting in the doctor`s office when he came in and said," Mrs.Jones, this 
isn't a urine sample you brought in. It`s apple juice."
"Oh my god" she said. "I`ve got to get to a phone."
"Why?" asked the doctor.
"I must have packed the other bottle in my husbands lunch box."


An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor.
"Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night."
"Have you tried counting sheep?"
"That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it."


A woman picked up a few items in the supermarket, then headed for the express line. The 
clerk had his back turned to her, so she said, "Excuse me. I'm in a hurry. Could you check 
me out, please?" The clerk turned, looked her up and down and said, "Nice tits."


The lone Ranger and Tonto were out one day when Tonto got off his horse and
put his ear to the ground. He turned to the Lone Ranger and said "Buffalo come".
That's cleaver said the Lone Ranger, "How do you know?" Tonto stands up and 
says "because face sticky".

Visit Pigboy!

InstantHangover.co.uk

articles | images | toplist | links Copyright © RealHumour 2003