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Musical Jokes

Contents:

  • Drummers
  • Music and Musicians in General
  • Composers and Music Theory
  • Woodwinds
  • Strings
  • Horns In General
  • Percussion
  • Voice
  • Conductors
  • Record Producer
  • Banjo

    Drummers

    One day, a tuba player wanted to torture the drummer behind him, so he hid one of the drummer's sticks. After looking around for a few minutes, with a frantic, wide-eyed expression, the drummer fell to his knees, flung his arms wide, and screamed to heaven: "Finally! The miracle, after all these years! I'm a Conductor!"

    Why didn't the little drummer boy get into heaven?
    Because he woke the baby for Christ's sake!

    From the Drummers Dictionary:
    Accelerando, n. drum fill; solo

    What do you call a drummer with half a brain?
    Gifted.

    Why to bands need Roadies?
    To translate what the drummer says.

    Two drummers walk into a bar...
    Which is funny because you would have figured the second one would have seen the first guy do it.

    A new customer walks into the new store on the block that sells brains. There are three glass cases, each containing a nice wet quivering grey brain. The first one says "Astrophysicist", and it costs $10. The second says "Avon Salesman" and costs $1000. The third says "Drummer" and costs $10,000. The customer is confused, and questions the salesperson. "I don't get it...why would I want a drummer's brain for $10,000 when I can get an astrophysicists' for $10?". The salesman replies, "Because it's never been used."

    What do you call a Drummer driving a Volkswagon?
    Farfromthinken

    What's the difference between a drum machine and a drummer?
    You only have to punch the information into the drum machine once!

    What does a drummer use for contraception?
    His personality!

    Two girls are walking along when they hear... "Psst! Down here!" They both look down and see a frog sitting beside the road. The frog says to them, "Hey, if you kiss me I'll turn into a world famous drummer and make you both rich and famous!" The two girls looked at each other, and one of them reached down and grabbed the frog and stuffed it in her pocket. The other girl said, "What did you do that for?" The first replied, "I'm not stupid. I know a talking frog is worth heaps more than a famous drummer any day!!!"

    How many drummers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    Just one, so long as a roadie gets the ladder, sets it up and puts the bulb in the socket for him.

    A drummer, tired from being ridiculed by his peers, decides to learn how to play some "real" musical instruments. He goes to a music store, walks in, approaches the store clerk, and says "I'll take that red trumpet over there and that accordian." The store clerk looks at him a bit funny, and replies "OK, you can have the fire extinguisher but the radiator's got to stay".

    What's the best way to confuse a drummer?
    Put a sheet of music in front of him.

    A guy walks into a shop. "You got one of them Marshall Hiwatt AC30 amplificatior thingies and a Gobson StratoBlaster geetar with a Fried Rose tremulo?" said the guy. "You're a drummer, aren't you?" replied the shop assistant. "Duh, yeah. How'd you know?" said the guy. "This is a travel agency."

    A man goes to an exotic tropical island for a vacation. As the boat nears the island, he notices the constant sound of drumming coming from the island. As he gets off the boat, he asks the first native he sees how long the drumming will go on. The native casts about nervously and says "very bad when the drumming stops." At the end of the day, the drumming is still going and is starting to get on his nerves. So, he asks another native when the drumming will stop. The native looks as if he's just been reminded of something very unpleasant. "Very bad when the drumming stops," he says, and hurries off. After a couple of days with little sleep, our traveller is finally fed up, grabs the nearest native, slams him up against a tree, and shouts "What happens when the drumming stops?!!" "Bass solo."

    How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
    One, but only after asking "Why?" ("Oh, wow! Is it like dark, man?")

    How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb? Twenty. One to hold the bulb, and nineteen to drink until the room spins.

    What is the difference between a drummer and a vacuum cleaner?
    You have to plug one of them in before it sucks.

    Why are bad drummers better than drum machines? You don't have to plug 'em in to get something stiff, mechanical and uninspired.

    If a dollar bill was laying in the center of a room, and the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus, a drummer with good time, and a drummer with bad time were standing in the corners, who would get the money?
    The drummer with bad time since the other three don't exist.

    A lady walks into a store and tells the man behind the counter she would like some musican brains. "Alright" he says, "What kind?". "How much do they cost?" she asks. "Well, those there are trumpeters at $5 a pound, those are french horns at $7 a pound, and those are conductors' at $10 a pound." He replies. "What are those way back there?" she asks. "Those are drummers brains. They cost $100 a pound." He replies. "GOODNESS!!", she exclaims, "Why are they so expensive?" "Lady, do you realize how many drummers it takes to get a pound of brains?!?!".

    What is the difference between a chiropodist and Ginger Baker?
    A chiropodist bucks up your feet!!
    (Ginger Baker, a drummer, fucks up your beat)

    What do you get if you cross a drummer with a gorilla?
    A really dumb gorrilla.

    "Hey buddy, how late does the band play?"
    "Oh, about a half beat behind the drummer."

    How many drummers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    None. They have a machine to do that now.

    Why is a drum machine better than a drummer?
    Because it can keep a steady beat and won't sleep with your girlfriend.

    How many drummers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Five: one to screw in the light bulb and four to talk about how much better Neil Peart would have done it!

    Why do drummers have one more brain cell than a horse?
    So that when marching in a parade, they can avoid the shit on the road.

    Hey, did you hear about the drummer who finished high school?
    Me either.

    Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes?
    So you don't have to retrain the drummers.

    An amateur drummer dies and goes to heaven. While he is waiting outside the pearly gates, he hears some incredibly fast drumming coming from within heaven. He immediately recognizes the playing, and asks St. Peter if that really is Buddy Rich playing drums in heaven. St. Peter responds: "No, that's God. He just thinks that he's Buddy Rich."

    How can you make a drummer slow down?
    Put a sheet of music in front of him

    How can you make that drummer stop?
    Put notes on it!

    Why do guitarists put drumsticks on the dash of their car?
    So they can park in the handicapped spot.

    A fellow walks into a shop and says to the shop assistant: "excuse me, I'd like to buy a guitar pick, and some strings." The shop assistant looks uncomprehendingly at his customer, and says "pardon?" "I'd like a guitar pick please, and some strings." The shop assistant thinks on this for a while, and then turns to his customer and says "you're a drummer aren't you?" "Yeah! How did you know man?" "This is a fish and chip shop."

    Johnny says to his mom: I want to be a drummer when I grow up!
    Mom: But Johnny, you can't do both.

    What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
    A drummer.

    How can you tell when a drummer's at the door?
    The knocking speeds up.

    How can you tell when a drummer's at the door?
    He doesn't know when to come in.

    Did you hear about the guitarist who was going to a gig and locked his keys in the car? It took him two hours to get the drummer out....

    One friend to another: "Why do you hang around with that drummer??"
    "Beats me!"

    How is a drum solo like a sneeze?
    You can tell it's coming, but you can't do anything about it.

    A man dies and goes to Heaven. Unlike he had expected, Heaven is essentially a really long hallway with doors on either side, each with a short IQ range listed on it. Inside, he learns, the rooms are perfectly tailored so that the conversation will match the intelligence of the people in them. He opens the 170 door. "Well," comes the conversation inside, "I've always found Fourier transforms to be a rather limited way of interconverting what are fundamentally..." SLAM. Too rich for him. He heads down the hall a bit to the 115 zone and opens the door. "I just read 'Generation X'," comes a voice, "and though Coupland doesn't do too badly in identifying his generation's fundamental angst, I was a bit confused by..." SLAM. Not bad, but now the man was getting curious, and wanted to see what was further down the scale. He tries 95. "Hey, did you read the paper today? Says interest rates will go up again..." SLAM. How about 60? "Huh. Thought 'Married With Children' last night was pretty funny. Didn't get the bit about the hooters, though..." SLAM. It was getting pretty bad. He tried 35. The people inside were looking at one another and drooling. Finally, he came to the one marked with a 10. He hesitated, fearing what he would see when he opened the door. But he did, seeing only two guys inside. "So," one said to the other, "what size sticks do you use?"

    Two salesmen are in a bar. One says to the other, "I bet you I can relate to anyone in this bar, I'm such a good salesman." The other replies, "You think so, huh? Well, sure. But I pick the guys." "Ok," says the first, "you're on." The other grabs the guy sitting at the table next to them and tells the first salesman, "Here, this one." This first subject is dressed in a threepiece suit and is carrying Wall Street Week. The salesman asks him, "What's your IQ?" "190." So they chat for a while about the stock market, particle physics, and NonEuclidean geometry. "Ok," says the other salesman, "That was pretty good, but you still have two to go." He looks around and grabs a guy dressed in jeans, a teeshirt, and a aseball cap worn backwards. The salesman asks him "What's you're IQ?" "About 00." So THEY chat for a while about baseball, cars, and the various women in the bar. "Fine," says the other salesman, "But there's still one to go." He goes to the back of the bar and grabs a really scummy looking guy in a muscle shirt and shorts. The salesman asks him "What's your IQ?" "About 60." "What kind of sticks do you use?"

    What does the average drummer get on an IQ test?
    Drool.

    How can you tell when the stage is level?
    The drools comes out of both sides of the drummer's mouth.

    What do you call a drummer that breaks up with his girlfriend?
    Homeless.

    What's the last thing a drummer says in a band?
    "Hey, guys why don't we try one of my songs? ..."

    What did the professional drummer say when he got to his job?
    "Would you like fries with that?"

    Music and Musicians in General

    Two men were at a bar and one said, " Hey, I had my IQ checked and it was 175, The other responded " That's a coincidence so is mine, what do you do for a living?" " I'm a physicist." was the reply. Again came "that's a coincidence so am I." This was overheard at a nearby table and these two compared IQ's at 160 and were surprised that they were both brain surgeons. At another nearby table one man despondently said to the other "Did you hear that? I had my IQ checked and it was only 52." The other said, rather enthusiastically, " That's a coincidence. So is mine. What instrument do you play?"

    Two guys are standing on the side of the road. One's a musician and the other one dosen't have any money either.

    What's the difference between a musician and a mutual fund?
    The mutual fund eventually matures and earns money.

    Composers and Music Theory

    Knock, knock.
    Who's there?
    Knock, knock.
    Who's there?
    Knock, knock.
    Who's there?
    Phillip Glass.

    What did they find when they dug up Beethoven's grave?
    He was decomposing.

    Why did Mozart kill his chickens?
    Because they always ran around going "Bach! Bach! Bach!"

    Why was the music theorist drunk?
    He tried to use a fifth with his tonic.

    What's an augmented fuck?
    F U C# K

    Woodwinds

    What's the difference between an oboe and an onion?
    Nobody cries when you chop up an oboe.

    What's the definition of a minor second?
    Two oboes playing in unison.

    An explorer was travelling through the wilds of deepest, darkest Africa with a few native porters and guides. Far off in the distance, he hears drums pounding. Well, the explorer is naturally concerned, so he consults his guides. They reassure him, "There is nothing to worry about. When the drums stop, it's time to worry." This didn't make him feel much better, but he kept going. Gradually the drums got louder and he asked his guide again. "When the drums stop, it's time to worry" was the response he got again. Eventually the drums got so loud, the explorer would have sworn that they were right next to him. Then all of a sudden, they stopped. With a trembling voice, he asked his guide what would happen now. With an equally trembling voice, the guide answered, "oboe solo".

    How many English horn players does it take to change a lightbulb?
    They can't, they gyrate too much and fall off the ladder.

    Why is playing an English horn solo like wetting your pants?
    Both give you a warm feeling, but no one else cares.

    Why did the chicken cross the road?
    To get away from the bassoon recital.

    What are the differences between a bassoon and a trampoline?
    1. Bassoons are more fun to jump on.
    2. You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline!

    What's the best use for an oboe?
    Using it to light a bassoon on fire.

    How do you get two piccolo players to play in unison?
    Shoot one.

    What is the definition of perfect pitch in a piccolo?
    When you throw it in the toilet and it doesn't hit the rim.

    How many flute players does it take to change a lightbulb?
    Only 1, but she'll break 10 bulbs before she realizes they can't be pushed in.

    What key is the alto flute pitched in?
    G. I really don't care, either!!

    Is there any difference between the sound of a clarinet and that of a cat in heat?
    Of course there is, but only if the cat's in good health.

    Why do clarinetists place their cases on the dashboard?
    So they can park in handicapped spaces.

    How many clarinetists does it take to change a lightbulb?
    Just one, but he'll go through a whole box of bulbs before finding just the right one.

    What's the definition of a nerd?
    Someone who owns his own alto clarinet. (Also, someone who has one of those combination TVVCRs in their home.)

    How do you put down a tenor saxophone?
    Confuse it with a bass clarinet.

    What's the purpose of the bell on a bass clarinet?
    Storing the ashes from the rest of the instrument.

    What do you call a bass clarinetist with half a brain?
    Gifted.

    What do you get when you remove half a bass clarinetist's brain?
    An even more gifted contrabass clarinetist.

    Why don't sax players like playing soprano?
    There's no place to hide your drugs.

    If you can play low A on a tenor sax by sticking your foot in the bell, how can you play it on a soprano sax?

    What's the difference between Kenny G and a machine gun?
    The machine gun repeats only 10 times per second.

    What is the difference between Kenny G and M. Ravelīs Bolero?
    What is the difference between Kenny G and M. Ravelīs Bolero?
    What is the difference between Kenny G and M. Ravelīs Bolero?
    What is the difference between Kenny G and M. Ravelīs Bolero?
    What is the difference between Kenny G and M. Ravelīs Bolero?
    What is the difference between Kenny G and M. Ravelīs Bolero?
    What is the difference between Kenny G and M. Ravelīs Bolero?

    Kenny G gets on an elevator and says "Wow! This rocks!"

    Why did the lead alto player play so many wrong notes?
    Because he kept ignoring the key signature he thought it was a suggestion.

    How many alto sax players does it take to change a lightbulb?
    Five. One to do it, and four to comment on how David Sanborn would have done it.

    How many C melody sax players can you fit into a phone booth?
    All of them.

    If lost in the woods, who do you ask for directions, an in-tune tenor sax player, an out-of-tune tenor sax player, or Santa Claus?
    The out-of-tune tenor sax player. The other two indicate that you're hallucinating.

    What's the difference between a lawnmower and a tenor sax?
    You can tune a lawnmower. And, the neighbors care if you don't return it.

    What's the difference between the creationist theory of the origin of life and a tenor sax?
    The theory doesn't have as many leaks.

    How do you make a chainsaw sound like a baritone sax?
    Add vibrato.

    How do you know if a saxophonist is a redneck?
    1. He has an old bass sax up on blocks in his front yard.
    2. He spells it "saxaphone".

    What do a saxophone and baseball have in common?
    People cheer when you hit them with a bat.

    The soprano, not smart enough to use birth control, said to her saxophone lover, "Sweetheart, I think you'd better pull out." "Why," he asked her, "am I sharp?"

    Why do bagpipe players march when they play?
    1. To try to get away from the sound.
    2. It's harder to hit a moving target.

    What would you do if you had all the bagpipe players on earth lined up end-to-end to the moon and back?
    Leave them there.

    What does one bagpipe player never say to another?
    "Hey man, what key's it in?"

    Strings

    How is a violinist like a SCUD missile?
    Both are offensive and inaccurate.

    There once was a Violinist from Rio.
    He fell in love with a girl named Cleo.
    As he was removing her panties she said,
    "No Adante, I want Allegro con Brio."

    Why does a violinist have a handkerchief under his chin when he plays?
    Because there's no spit valve.

    Why are violas larger than violins?
    They're not. The violist's head is smaller.

    What does a viola player use for birth control?
    Her personality.

    How do you make a violist play vibrato?
    Write a whole note and put "solo" over it.

    One day, the conductor of a noname orchestra got seriously ill, so they pulled the second to last viola player to conduct for him. Everything went off without a hitch, and the orchestra sounded great! So, for the upcoming concert, they fired their old conductor and let the viola player do it. It was great! They got rave reviews, went on numerous tours all over the world, and became the most famous orchestra in history. Then one day, the viola player told the concertmaster that he would like to go back and play, and could they hire a new conductor. So, the viola player went back to his seat, where his stand partner quickly asked, "Oh, and where have YOU been?"

    Once there was a viola player who was second chair in the Winnepeg Symphony. He met a genie, who promised him three wishes. For his first wish he asked to be a better musician, and he became first chair. For his second wish, he asked to be an even better musician, and he became first viola in the Berlin Symphony. For his third wish, he wished to be an even better musician, and he ended up playing second violin in the Winnipeg Symphony.

    Johnny comes home from school, and says to his mum, "Mummy, I learned the alphabet today! The rest of the class messed up around F, but I made it all the way through!"
    Johnny's mum says, "Very good, son. That's because you're a violist."
    Johnny comes home the next day and screams, "Mummy, Mummy, I counted to a hundred today! Everyone else couldn't get past 60, but I made it all the way to 100!"
    And his mum says, "Excellent. That's because you're a violist."
    The next day, Johnny comes home and says, "Mummy, the teacher measured everyone's height in class today, and I was taller than everyone. Is that 'cause I'm a violist?"
    His mum shakes her head and says, "No, honey; that's because you're twentysix."

    Why is a string bass better than a cello?
    1. The string bass holds more beer.
    2. The string bass burns longer.

    Why did the string bass player get angry at the timpanist?
    Because the timpanist turned a peg and wouldn't tell him which one.

    What is a hooker's favorite instrument?
    A guitar, the G string is thinner.

    How do you get an electric guitarist to turn down?
    Put sheet music in front of him.
    How do you get him to turn off?
    Put notes on it.

    What are the two most frequent heavy metal guitarist lies?
    1. I am not too loud!
    2. I have already turned down!

    How many bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?
    None. The piano player can do it with his left hand.

    How do you get a bass player off your doorstep?
    Pay for the pizza.

    How many country bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?
    One, five, one, five, one, five ...

    Horns In General

    Why is the horn the most divine insturment?
    Man blows into it, but God only knows what comes out.

    How many trumpet players does it take to change a lightbulb?
    Four. One to do it and three to stand around and brag about how much better they could have done it.

    How do you get a trumpet player to play fff?
    Write mp on the part.

    Why did the trumpet player play a loud, blaring jazz solo during a slow, soft symphonic movement?
    Because the part was marked tacit, and he thought it said "Take it!"

    What's the secret trumpet handshake?
    Shake hands and say "Hi! I'm better than you."

    Whatīs the difference between a free jazz trumpet player and a terrorist?
    The terrorist has sympathizers.

    Three famous trumpet players are up in a airplane. One of them says, "I'll throw out a 100 dollar bill and make someone very happy." The one next to him says, "I'll throw out two 50 dollar bills, and make two people very happy." The other one said, "I'll throw five 20's out the door, and make five people happy." The pilot, who was their conductor, said, "Why don't you all three jump, and make the whole band very happy?"

    How does a woman know when she's dating a french horn player?
    Whenever he kisses her, he has his hand up her rear.

    How do you make a trombone sound like a french horn?
    Stick your hand in the bell and split every second note.

    Why is a dead snake in the road more tragic than a dead trombonist in the road?
    The snake may have been on the way to a recording session.

    What do you call a guy who knows how to play the trombone, but doesn't?
    A gentleman.

    What did Captain Picard say when he entered a jazz club and saw a trombonist on stage?
    "Computer: End program!"

    What do 4 trombones sound like at the bottom of the sea?
    A good idea!

    How do you know if there's a trombonist at your door?
    The doorbell drags

    How can you tell that a kid on a playground is a trombonist's kid?
    He can't swing and he complains about the slide.

    What does a trombonist say at his night job?
    "Would you like fries with that burger?"

    Someone asks a trombonist: "What's the subdominant of F major?"
    The trombonist is confused: "What??? I thought F major was the subdominant!"

    How many trombone players does it take to change a lightbulb?
    Only one, but he'll spend half an hour trying to figure out what position he needs to be in.

    What kind of calender does a trombonist use for his gigs?
    CareerataGlance.

    How many bass trombonists does it take to change a lightbulb?
    Just one, but he'll do it too loudly.

    How do you call a baritone player?
    Euphonium.

    What do you call a baritone player with a beeper?
    An optimist.

    What's a tuba for?
    17/8" by 37/8"

    What's the range of a tuba?
    About 20 yards if you've got a good arm.

    How many tuba players does it take to change a lightbulb?
    Five: One to hold the bulb, one to hold the lamp and three to drink until the room spins.

    An out-of-work conductor got a job as a hitman. He got an assignment for a kill and was driving down the road when he saw his target on one side of the road and a tuba player on the other side of the road. Who did he kill first and why?
    The target, business before pleasure.

    Why would a tuba player get fired from any office job?
    He's a low character, below the staff, and he spends too much time resting.

    A symphony was performing Beethoven's 9th in a park one afternoon, but it was so windy that the musicians had to tie their music to the stands. When the tubas finished playing their part in movement 1, they decided, since they had 2 movements of rests, to sneak off to the pub across the street. So they sat in the pub, downed a few, and listened to the orchestra. When they heard the pickups to their part they threw money on the counter and stumbled into the street. They could barely keep from falling over as the ran to pick up their tubas, but even worse, they couldn't untie the music. They were pulling and tugging but the string was so tight that they fell over from the effort. Just then, the conductor looked back and thought, "Oh lord, it's the bottom of the 9th, the score is tied, and the basses are loaded!"

    Two tuba players walk past a bar. Hey, it could happen!!

    Percussion

    How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
    None. There's machines that can do that now.

    What's the most important thing about being a drummer?
    Timing.

    How do you tell if the stage is level?
    The drummer is drooling out of both sides of his mouth.

    Johnny says to his mom: "I want to be a drummer when I grow up."
    Mom: "But Johnny, you can't do both."

    That does Ginger Baker have in common with 7eleven coffee?
    They both suck without Cream.

    What does the dyslexic drummer do after a joke?
    "Ching, Badumdum".

    Why do drummers have a half ounce more brains than horses do?
    So they don't disgrace themselves during a parade!

    There once was a timpinist who dreamed that he was playing in "Messiah" and when he woke up he was playing in "Messiah".

    Why did they say that the pianist had fingers like lightning?
    They never struck the same place twice.

    What do you get when you drop a piano on an Army base?
    A flat Major.

    What do you get when you throw a piano down a mine shaft?
    A flat Minor.

    How many organists does it take to change a lightbulb?
    Two. One to change the bulb, and one to complain that the switch doesn't have any combination pistons.

    What's better than roses on your piano?
    Tulips on your organ.

    Why doesn't heaven have a pipe organ?
    Because they needed the keys in hell to make accordions.

    An accordion player in his middle 40's was driving home around 10:00 pm from a Bar Mitzva. When he left, he placed his instrument in the back window of his car so he could watch it while he drove to make sure it was OK. On his way, he decided to stop at a bar and get a drink to make up for the boring night. He stopped, locked his car, and then went inside. After he had had about 3 drinks, he suddenly realized where he put the accordion! He should have remembered what happened last time he left it in his back window! So he ran outside and looked at his car. The back window was broken in, and glass was all over the place. And, sure enough, there were two more accordions!!!

    How can you tell if there is a synth player at your door?
    You think you hear him knocking but you're not quite sure.

    Voice

    How many sopranos does it take to change a lightbulb?
    Just one, she just holds it in place, and the whole world revolves around her.

    Why can't a soprono drive faster than 68 m.p.h.?
    Because at 69 she blows a rod.

    What's the difference between a soprano and a Jaguar?
    Most musicians have never been in a Jaguar.

    Why is the soprano standing outside the door?
    She forgot the key.

    How many sopranos does it take to change a lightbulb?
    Two. One to change it and one to watch and say, "Don't you think that's a bit high for you, dear?"

    How many sopranos does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    None, she thinks it's the accompanist's job.

    What is the difference between a dressmaker and a soprano?
    The dressmaker tucks up the frills.

    Two fleas were hanging out one day, and one told the the other about its night. "Hey man, I had a great time last night, I went to the symphony, and I had the best seat in the house, in the conductor's beard. Things were cool until the second movement, when he sneezed, and I was flung into the soprano soloist's cleavage. That wasn't bad , nice and warm and all, but she got all worked up and started to sweat, and I slid down between her legs. I stayed there and fell asleep, but there is one thing I don't get. When I woke up, I was in the conductor's beard again."

    How many mezzosopranos does it take to change a lightbulb?
    Who cares!

    How many altos does it take to change a lightbulb?
    None, because they cannot reach it.

    What's the difference between an alto and a tenor?
    More body hair on the alto.

    A woman goes into a butcher shop to get something special for dinner. She spies something which looks interesting and asks the butcher how much it costs. "Well ma'am, those are the brains of a soprano, and they're a $1.50 a pound." "Oh, ok", replies the woman. "What's that?", she asks, pointing. "Those are the brains of a bass, and they're $3.00 a pound." "Oh", says the woman, "that looks great, what is it?" "Ma'am, those are the brains of a tenor, and they are $40.00 a pound." "That's outrageous!", says the woman. "Why is it so much for those brains?" "Ma'am", replies the patient butcher, "do you have any idea how many tenors it takes to make one pound of brains?"

    There was a giant singing in an opera. He was on stage singing his song to a little mouse standing in front of the stage. When the giant finished singing his song, the little mouse turned round to sing a song back to the giant. But unfortunately he could not sing it because his song was ..... inoperable.

    How do you know that it's the lead singer knocking at your front door?
    You open the door and he still doesn't know when to come in.

    How many female vocalists does it take to sing the song "Crazy"?
    (by Willie Nelson, made famous by Patsy Cline) All of them.

    What's the first thing that a female singer does after she gets up in the morning?
    1. Puts on her clothes and goes home.
    2. Looks for her instrument.

    What does a girls band vocalist's mother say to her before she goes out?
    If you are not in bed by 12pm you have to come home.

    Whatīs the difference between a female lead singer and a terrorist?
    You can negotiate with a terrorist.

    Conductors

    How many conductors does it take to change a lightbulb?
    One, but, then again, who's really watching?

    What is the difference between a bull and an orchestra?
    The bull has the horns in front and the ass in back.

    Why did they bury the conductor 20 feet in the earth?
    Because DEEP DOWN he was a nice guy.

    What's the difference between a dead conductor in the road and a dead snake in the road?
    There are skid marks in front of the snake.

    What's the difference between a band director and a bag of fertilizer?
    The bag.

    How's a conductor like a condom?
    It's safer with one but more fun without!

    One of the members of the symphony calls the front office asking for the conductor. The receptionist informs him that the conductor is dead. The next day, he calls again, asking for the conductor. The receptionist replies, "I told you yesterday, the conductor is dead". The musician calls on the next day, again asking for the conductor. The exasperated receptioninst says, "Look, why do you keep calling here? I'm telling you, the conductor is DEAD!! To which, the symphony member calmly replied, "I just really enjoy hearing you say that!".

    A blind rabbit and a blind snake bump into each other in the forest. The rabbit said, "Watch where you are going. Can't you see that I am blind?" The snake replied. "No. I can't see that you are blind because I am blind myself." Then the rabbit got a brilliant idea. "Why don't we feel each other and guess what the other is?" The snake accepted this proposal and went first. The snake said, "Let's see -- your furry with long ears and a cotton tail - you must be a rabbit." "Very good," said the rabbit. "Now it's my turn. You are cold, slimy, spineless and have no ears. You must be a conductor."

    In the beginning, there were only wind instruments in the orchestra. Then, they noticed that many of the people were too stupid to play wind instruments, so they gave them large boxes with wires strapped across them. These people were known as "strings". Then they noticed that some people were too dumb to play strings, so they were given two sticks and were told to hit whatever they wanted. These people were known as "percussionists". Finally, they noticed that one percussionist was so dumb, he couldn't even do that, so they took away one of his sticks and told him to go stand in front of everybody. And that was the birth of the first conductor.

    There once was a conductor who was in the middle of his prime, and, feeling that he had accomplished a lot, decided to write a personal letter to God. He told Him of all the joy he's had molding voices, annoying instrumentalists and his of his life's ambition to create a style of conducting so unique that even himself could not recognize it. He then ended his letter saying he knew exactly how it felt to be God. The conductor then had a terrible fall and passed away. As he reached the Pearly gates an angel appeared and the conductor said, "Hey, you look just like Bach!" Another angel appeared, and soon he was surounded by tons of famous musicians. He then walked through the Pearly gates, and there in front of him was a man with grey hair, tails and a bow tie. "Who's that?", the conductor asked. An angel replyed, "Oh... that's God ... pretending to be a conductor.

    A conductor died and went to Hell. He was handcuffed for the rest of eternity with a scolding hag. Later he saw Fritz Reiner handcuffed with Marilyn Monroe.
    When he approached the Devil and complained of the alleged injustice, he was told, "Marilyn Monroe's punishment is none of your business!"

    A man and a boy were taking a walk through the cemetery. The boy said, "Look, Daddy, here's a grave where two people are buried!" The father said, "Two people? Let me look." So the father took a look, and sure enough, the marker said, "Here lies a symphony conductor and a humble man."

    Record Producer

    How many producers does it take to change a lightbulb?
    Two, one to tell the engineer to do it, the other to say "I don't know, what do you think?"

    One day the musicians for a rather large recording session were assembling at a studio. Everyone had ther headphones on, the session was close to getting underway and the producer of the session came over the talkback system and said "Okay I need to have total silence! Just then the drummer on the session played a big Barumdum Crash! To which the record producer replied, "Okay who did that?"

    Banjo

    What's the best way to play a banjo?
    With a hack saw.

    What's the least used sentence in the English language?
    "Is that the banjo player's Porsche?"

    What do you say to a banjo player in a three-piece suit?
    Will the defendant please rise.

    What's the difference between a banjo and a chain saw?
    A chain saw has greater dynamic range.

    There's nothing I like better than the sound of a banjo, unless of course it's the sound of a chicken caught in a vacuum cleaner.

    Female five string banjoist shouting at her boyfriend in a crowded shopping mall: "Don't forget, sweetheart, I need a new G string."

    What did the banjo player get on his IQ (or SAT) test?
    Drool

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