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Musical JokesContents: DrummersOne day, a tuba player wanted to torture the drummer behind him, so he hid one of the drummer's sticks. After looking around for a few minutes, with a frantic, wide-eyed expression, the drummer fell to his knees, flung his arms wide, and screamed to heaven: "Finally! The miracle, after all these years! I'm a Conductor!" Why didn't the little drummer boy get into heaven? From the Drummers Dictionary: What do you call a drummer with half a brain? Why to bands need Roadies? Two drummers walk into a bar... A new customer walks into the new store on the block that sells brains. There are three glass cases, each containing a nice wet quivering grey brain. The first one says "Astrophysicist", and it costs $10. The second says "Avon Salesman" and costs $1000. The third says "Drummer" and costs $10,000. The customer is confused, and questions the salesperson. "I don't get it...why would I want a drummer's brain for $10,000 when I can get an astrophysicists' for $10?". The salesman replies, "Because it's never been used." What do you call a Drummer driving a Volkswagon? What's the difference between a drum machine and a drummer? What does a drummer use for contraception? Two girls are walking along when they hear... "Psst! Down here!" They both look down and see a frog sitting beside the road. The frog says to them, "Hey, if you kiss me I'll turn into a world famous drummer and make you both rich and famous!" The two girls looked at each other, and one of them reached down and grabbed the frog and stuffed it in her pocket. The other girl said, "What did you do that for?" The first replied, "I'm not stupid. I know a talking frog is worth heaps more than a famous drummer any day!!!" How many drummers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A drummer, tired from being ridiculed by his peers, decides to learn how to play some "real" musical instruments. He goes to a music store, walks in, approaches the store clerk, and says "I'll take that red trumpet over there and that accordian." The store clerk looks at him a bit funny, and replies "OK, you can have the fire extinguisher but the radiator's got to stay". What's the best way to confuse a drummer? A guy walks into a shop. "You got one of them Marshall Hiwatt AC30 amplificatior thingies and a Gobson StratoBlaster geetar with a Fried Rose tremulo?" said the guy. "You're a drummer, aren't you?" replied the shop assistant. "Duh, yeah. How'd you know?" said the guy. "This is a travel agency." A man goes to an exotic tropical island for a vacation. As the boat nears the island, he notices the constant sound of drumming coming from the island. As he gets off the boat, he asks the first native he sees how long the drumming will go on. The native casts about nervously and says "very bad when the drumming stops." At the end of the day, the drumming is still going and is starting to get on his nerves. So, he asks another native when the drumming will stop. The native looks as if he's just been reminded of something very unpleasant. "Very bad when the drumming stops," he says, and hurries off. After a couple of days with little sleep, our traveller is finally fed up, grabs the nearest native, slams him up against a tree, and shouts "What happens when the drumming stops?!!" "Bass solo." How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb? How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb? Twenty. One to hold the bulb, and nineteen to drink until the room spins. What is the difference between a drummer and a vacuum cleaner? Why are bad drummers better than drum machines? You don't have to plug 'em in to get something stiff, mechanical and uninspired. If a dollar bill was laying in the center of a room, and the Easter Bunny,
Santa Claus, a drummer with good time, and a drummer with bad time were
standing in the corners, who would get the money? A lady walks into a store and tells the man behind the counter she would like some musican brains. "Alright" he says, "What kind?". "How much do they cost?" she asks. "Well, those there are trumpeters at $5 a pound, those are french horns at $7 a pound, and those are conductors' at $10 a pound." He replies. "What are those way back there?" she asks. "Those are drummers brains. They cost $100 a pound." He replies. "GOODNESS!!", she exclaims, "Why are they so expensive?" "Lady, do you realize how many drummers it takes to get a pound of brains?!?!". What is the difference between a chiropodist and Ginger Baker? What do you get if you cross a drummer with a gorilla? "Hey buddy, how late does the band play?" How many drummers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Why is a drum machine better than a drummer? How many drummers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Five: one to screw in the light bulb and four to talk about how much better Neil Peart would have done it! Why do drummers have one more brain cell than a horse? Hey, did you hear about the drummer who finished high school? Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes? An amateur drummer dies and goes to heaven. While he is waiting outside the pearly gates, he hears some incredibly fast drumming coming from within heaven. He immediately recognizes the playing, and asks St. Peter if that really is Buddy Rich playing drums in heaven. St. Peter responds: "No, that's God. He just thinks that he's Buddy Rich." How can you make a drummer slow down? How can you make that drummer stop? Why do guitarists put drumsticks on the dash of their car? A fellow walks into a shop and says to the shop assistant: "excuse me, I'd like to buy a guitar pick, and some strings." The shop assistant looks uncomprehendingly at his customer, and says "pardon?" "I'd like a guitar pick please, and some strings." The shop assistant thinks on this for a while, and then turns to his customer and says "you're a drummer aren't you?" "Yeah! How did you know man?" "This is a fish and chip shop." Johnny says to his mom: I want to be a drummer when I grow up! What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians? How can you tell when a drummer's at the door? How can you tell when a drummer's at the door? Did you hear about the guitarist who was going to a gig and locked his keys in the car? It took him two hours to get the drummer out.... One friend to another: "Why do you hang around with that drummer??" How is a drum solo like a sneeze? A man dies and goes to Heaven. Unlike he had expected, Heaven is essentially a really long hallway with doors on either side, each with a short IQ range listed on it. Inside, he learns, the rooms are perfectly tailored so that the conversation will match the intelligence of the people in them. He opens the 170 door. "Well," comes the conversation inside, "I've always found Fourier transforms to be a rather limited way of interconverting what are fundamentally..." SLAM. Too rich for him. He heads down the hall a bit to the 115 zone and opens the door. "I just read 'Generation X'," comes a voice, "and though Coupland doesn't do too badly in identifying his generation's fundamental angst, I was a bit confused by..." SLAM. Not bad, but now the man was getting curious, and wanted to see what was further down the scale. He tries 95. "Hey, did you read the paper today? Says interest rates will go up again..." SLAM. How about 60? "Huh. Thought 'Married With Children' last night was pretty funny. Didn't get the bit about the hooters, though..." SLAM. It was getting pretty bad. He tried 35. The people inside were looking at one another and drooling. Finally, he came to the one marked with a 10. He hesitated, fearing what he would see when he opened the door. But he did, seeing only two guys inside. "So," one said to the other, "what size sticks do you use?" Two salesmen are in a bar. One says to the other, "I bet you I can relate to anyone in this bar, I'm such a good salesman." The other replies, "You think so, huh? Well, sure. But I pick the guys." "Ok," says the first, "you're on." The other grabs the guy sitting at the table next to them and tells the first salesman, "Here, this one." This first subject is dressed in a threepiece suit and is carrying Wall Street Week. The salesman asks him, "What's your IQ?" "190." So they chat for a while about the stock market, particle physics, and NonEuclidean geometry. "Ok," says the other salesman, "That was pretty good, but you still have two to go." He looks around and grabs a guy dressed in jeans, a teeshirt, and a aseball cap worn backwards. The salesman asks him "What's you're IQ?" "About 00." So THEY chat for a while about baseball, cars, and the various women in the bar. "Fine," says the other salesman, "But there's still one to go." He goes to the back of the bar and grabs a really scummy looking guy in a muscle shirt and shorts. The salesman asks him "What's your IQ?" "About 60." "What kind of sticks do you use?" What does the average drummer get on an IQ test? How can you tell when the stage is level? What do you call a drummer that breaks up with his girlfriend? What's the last thing a drummer says in a band? What did the professional drummer say when he got to his job? Music and Musicians in GeneralTwo men were at a bar and one said, " Hey, I had my IQ checked and it was 175, The other responded " That's a coincidence so is mine, what do you do for a living?" " I'm a physicist." was the reply. Again came "that's a coincidence so am I." This was overheard at a nearby table and these two compared IQ's at 160 and were surprised that they were both brain surgeons. At another nearby table one man despondently said to the other "Did you hear that? I had my IQ checked and it was only 52." The other said, rather enthusiastically, " That's a coincidence. So is mine. What instrument do you play?" Two guys are standing on the side of the road. One's a musician and the other one dosen't have any money either. What's the difference between a musician and a mutual fund? Composers and Music TheoryKnock, knock. What did they find when they dug up Beethoven's grave? Why did Mozart kill his chickens? Why was the music theorist drunk? What's an augmented fuck? WoodwindsWhat's the difference between an oboe and an onion? What's the definition of a minor second? An explorer was travelling through the wilds of deepest, darkest Africa with a few native porters and guides. Far off in the distance, he hears drums pounding. Well, the explorer is naturally concerned, so he consults his guides. They reassure him, "There is nothing to worry about. When the drums stop, it's time to worry." This didn't make him feel much better, but he kept going. Gradually the drums got louder and he asked his guide again. "When the drums stop, it's time to worry" was the response he got again. Eventually the drums got so loud, the explorer would have sworn that they were right next to him. Then all of a sudden, they stopped. With a trembling voice, he asked his guide what would happen now. With an equally trembling voice, the guide answered, "oboe solo". How many English horn players does it take to change a lightbulb? Why is playing an English horn solo like wetting your pants? Why did the chicken cross the road? What are the differences between a bassoon and a trampoline? What's the best use for an oboe? How do you get two piccolo players to play in unison? What is the definition of perfect pitch in a piccolo? How many flute players does it take to change a lightbulb? What key is the alto flute pitched in? Is there any difference between the sound of a clarinet and that of a cat in heat? Why do clarinetists place their cases on the dashboard? How many clarinetists does it take to change a lightbulb? What's the definition of a nerd? How do you put down a tenor saxophone? What's the purpose of the bell on a bass clarinet? What do you call a bass clarinetist with half a brain? What do you get when you remove half a bass clarinetist's brain? Why don't sax players like playing soprano? If you can play low A on a tenor sax by sticking your foot in the bell, how can you play it on a soprano sax? What's the difference between Kenny G and a machine gun? What is the difference between Kenny G and M. Ravelīs Bolero? Kenny G gets on an elevator and says "Wow! This rocks!" Why did the lead alto player play so many wrong notes? How many alto sax players does it take to change a lightbulb? How many C melody sax players can you fit into a phone booth? If lost in the woods, who do you ask for directions, an in-tune tenor sax
player, an out-of-tune tenor sax player, or Santa Claus? What's the difference between a lawnmower and a tenor sax? What's the difference between the creationist theory of the origin of life and a tenor sax? How do you make a chainsaw sound like a baritone sax? How do you know if a saxophonist is a redneck? What do a saxophone and baseball have in common? The soprano, not smart enough to use birth control, said to her saxophone lover, "Sweetheart, I think you'd better pull out." "Why," he asked her, "am I sharp?" Why do bagpipe players march when they play? What would you do if you had all the bagpipe players on earth lined up
end-to-end to the moon and back? What does one bagpipe player never say to another? StringsHow is a violinist like a SCUD missile? There once was a Violinist from Rio. Why does a violinist have a handkerchief under his chin when he plays? Why are violas larger than violins? What does a viola player use for birth control? How do you make a violist play vibrato? One day, the conductor of a noname orchestra got seriously ill, so they pulled the second to last viola player to conduct for him. Everything went off without a hitch, and the orchestra sounded great! So, for the upcoming concert, they fired their old conductor and let the viola player do it. It was great! They got rave reviews, went on numerous tours all over the world, and became the most famous orchestra in history. Then one day, the viola player told the concertmaster that he would like to go back and play, and could they hire a new conductor. So, the viola player went back to his seat, where his stand partner quickly asked, "Oh, and where have YOU been?" Once there was a viola player who was second chair in the Winnepeg Symphony. He met a genie, who promised him three wishes. For his first wish he asked to be a better musician, and he became first chair. For his second wish, he asked to be an even better musician, and he became first viola in the Berlin Symphony. For his third wish, he wished to be an even better musician, and he ended up playing second violin in the Winnipeg Symphony. Johnny comes home from school, and says to his mum, "Mummy, I learned the
alphabet today! The rest of the class messed up around F, but I made it all
the way through!" Why is a string bass better than a cello? Why did the string bass player get angry at the timpanist? What is a hooker's favorite instrument? How do you get an electric guitarist to turn down? What are the two most frequent heavy metal guitarist lies? How many bass players does it take to change a lightbulb? How do you get a bass player off your doorstep? How many country bass players does it take to change a lightbulb? Horns In GeneralWhy is the horn the most divine insturment? How many trumpet players does it take to change a lightbulb? How do you get a trumpet player to play fff? Why did the trumpet player play a loud, blaring jazz solo during a slow, soft symphonic movement? What's the secret trumpet handshake? Whatīs the difference between a free jazz trumpet player and a terrorist? Three famous trumpet players are up in a airplane. One of them says, "I'll throw out a 100 dollar bill and make someone very happy." The one next to him says, "I'll throw out two 50 dollar bills, and make two people very happy." The other one said, "I'll throw five 20's out the door, and make five people happy." The pilot, who was their conductor, said, "Why don't you all three jump, and make the whole band very happy?" How does a woman know when she's dating a french horn player? How do you make a trombone sound like a french horn? Why is a dead snake in the road more tragic than a dead trombonist in the
road? What do you call a guy who knows how to play the trombone, but doesn't? What did Captain Picard say when he entered a jazz club and saw a trombonist on stage? What do 4 trombones sound like at the bottom of the sea? How do you know if there's a trombonist at your door? How can you tell that a kid on a playground is a trombonist's kid? What does a trombonist say at his night job? Someone asks a trombonist: "What's the subdominant of F major?" How many trombone players does it take to change a lightbulb? What kind of calender does a trombonist use for his gigs? How many bass trombonists does it take to change a lightbulb? How do you call a baritone player? What do you call a baritone player with a beeper? What's a tuba for? What's the range of a tuba? How many tuba players does it take to change a lightbulb? An out-of-work conductor got a job as a hitman. He got an assignment for a
kill and was driving down the road when he saw his target on one side of the
road and a tuba player on the other side of the road. Who did he kill first
and why? Why would a tuba player get fired from any office job? A symphony was performing Beethoven's 9th in a park one afternoon, but it was so windy that the musicians had to tie their music to the stands. When the tubas finished playing their part in movement 1, they decided, since they had 2 movements of rests, to sneak off to the pub across the street. So they sat in the pub, downed a few, and listened to the orchestra. When they heard the pickups to their part they threw money on the counter and stumbled into the street. They could barely keep from falling over as the ran to pick up their tubas, but even worse, they couldn't untie the music. They were pulling and tugging but the string was so tight that they fell over from the effort. Just then, the conductor looked back and thought, "Oh lord, it's the bottom of the 9th, the score is tied, and the basses are loaded!" Two tuba players walk past a bar. Hey, it could happen!! PercussionHow many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb? What's the most important thing about being a drummer? How do you tell if the stage is level? Johnny says to his mom: "I want to be a drummer when I grow up." That does Ginger Baker have in common with 7eleven coffee? What does the dyslexic drummer do after a joke? Why do drummers have a half ounce more brains than horses do? There once was a timpinist who dreamed that he was playing in "Messiah" and when he woke up he was playing in "Messiah". Why did they say that the pianist had fingers like lightning? What do you get when you drop a piano on an Army base? What do you get when you throw a piano down a mine shaft? How many organists does it take to change a lightbulb? What's better than roses on your piano? Why doesn't heaven have a pipe organ? An accordion player in his middle 40's was driving home around 10:00 pm from a Bar Mitzva. When he left, he placed his instrument in the back window of his car so he could watch it while he drove to make sure it was OK. On his way, he decided to stop at a bar and get a drink to make up for the boring night. He stopped, locked his car, and then went inside. After he had had about 3 drinks, he suddenly realized where he put the accordion! He should have remembered what happened last time he left it in his back window! So he ran outside and looked at his car. The back window was broken in, and glass was all over the place. And, sure enough, there were two more accordions!!! How can you tell if there is a synth player at your door? VoiceHow many sopranos does it take to change a lightbulb? Why can't a soprono drive faster than 68 m.p.h.? What's the difference between a soprano and a Jaguar? Why is the soprano standing outside the door? How many sopranos does it take to change a lightbulb? How many sopranos does it take to screw in a light bulb? What is the difference between a dressmaker and a soprano? Two fleas were hanging out one day, and one told the the other about its night. "Hey man, I had a great time last night, I went to the symphony, and I had the best seat in the house, in the conductor's beard. Things were cool until the second movement, when he sneezed, and I was flung into the soprano soloist's cleavage. That wasn't bad , nice and warm and all, but she got all worked up and started to sweat, and I slid down between her legs. I stayed there and fell asleep, but there is one thing I don't get. When I woke up, I was in the conductor's beard again." How many mezzosopranos does it take to change a lightbulb? How many altos does it take to change a lightbulb? What's the difference between an alto and a tenor? A woman goes into a butcher shop to get something special for dinner. She spies something which looks interesting and asks the butcher how much it costs. "Well ma'am, those are the brains of a soprano, and they're a $1.50 a pound." "Oh, ok", replies the woman. "What's that?", she asks, pointing. "Those are the brains of a bass, and they're $3.00 a pound." "Oh", says the woman, "that looks great, what is it?" "Ma'am, those are the brains of a tenor, and they are $40.00 a pound." "That's outrageous!", says the woman. "Why is it so much for those brains?" "Ma'am", replies the patient butcher, "do you have any idea how many tenors it takes to make one pound of brains?" There was a giant singing in an opera. He was on stage singing his song to a little mouse standing in front of the stage. When the giant finished singing his song, the little mouse turned round to sing a song back to the giant. But unfortunately he could not sing it because his song was ..... inoperable. How do you know that it's the lead singer knocking at your front door? How many female vocalists does it take to sing the song "Crazy"? What's the first thing that a female singer does after she gets up in the morning? What does a girls band vocalist's mother say to her before she goes out? Whatīs the difference between a female lead singer and a terrorist? ConductorsHow many conductors does it take to change a lightbulb? What is the difference between a bull and an orchestra? Why did they bury the conductor 20 feet in the earth? What's the difference between a dead conductor in the road and a dead snake in the road? What's the difference between a band director and a bag of fertilizer? How's a conductor like a condom? One of the members of the symphony calls the front office asking for the conductor. The receptionist informs him that the conductor is dead. The next day, he calls again, asking for the conductor. The receptionist replies, "I told you yesterday, the conductor is dead". The musician calls on the next day, again asking for the conductor. The exasperated receptioninst says, "Look, why do you keep calling here? I'm telling you, the conductor is DEAD!! To which, the symphony member calmly replied, "I just really enjoy hearing you say that!". A blind rabbit and a blind snake bump into each other in the forest. The rabbit said, "Watch where you are going. Can't you see that I am blind?" The snake replied. "No. I can't see that you are blind because I am blind myself." Then the rabbit got a brilliant idea. "Why don't we feel each other and guess what the other is?" The snake accepted this proposal and went first. The snake said, "Let's see -- your furry with long ears and a cotton tail - you must be a rabbit." "Very good," said the rabbit. "Now it's my turn. You are cold, slimy, spineless and have no ears. You must be a conductor." In the beginning, there were only wind instruments in the orchestra. Then, they noticed that many of the people were too stupid to play wind instruments, so they gave them large boxes with wires strapped across them. These people were known as "strings". Then they noticed that some people were too dumb to play strings, so they were given two sticks and were told to hit whatever they wanted. These people were known as "percussionists". Finally, they noticed that one percussionist was so dumb, he couldn't even do that, so they took away one of his sticks and told him to go stand in front of everybody. And that was the birth of the first conductor. There once was a conductor who was in the middle of his prime, and, feeling that he had accomplished a lot, decided to write a personal letter to God. He told Him of all the joy he's had molding voices, annoying instrumentalists and his of his life's ambition to create a style of conducting so unique that even himself could not recognize it. He then ended his letter saying he knew exactly how it felt to be God. The conductor then had a terrible fall and passed away. As he reached the Pearly gates an angel appeared and the conductor said, "Hey, you look just like Bach!" Another angel appeared, and soon he was surounded by tons of famous musicians. He then walked through the Pearly gates, and there in front of him was a man with grey hair, tails and a bow tie. "Who's that?", the conductor asked. An angel replyed, "Oh... that's God ... pretending to be a conductor. A conductor died and went to Hell. He was handcuffed for the rest of eternity with a scolding hag. Later he saw Fritz Reiner handcuffed with Marilyn Monroe. A man and a boy were taking a walk through the cemetery. The boy said, "Look, Daddy, here's a grave where two people are buried!" The father said, "Two people? Let me look." So the father took a look, and sure enough, the marker said, "Here lies a symphony conductor and a humble man." Record ProducerHow many producers does it take to change a lightbulb? One day the musicians for a rather large recording session were assembling at a studio. Everyone had ther headphones on, the session was close to getting underway and the producer of the session came over the talkback system and said "Okay I need to have total silence! Just then the drummer on the session played a big Barumdum Crash! To which the record producer replied, "Okay who did that?" BanjoWhat's the best way to play a banjo? What's the least used sentence in the English language? What do you say to a banjo player in a three-piece suit? What's the difference between a banjo and a chain saw? There's nothing I like better than the sound of a banjo, unless of course it's the sound of a chicken caught in a vacuum cleaner. Female five string banjoist shouting at her boyfriend in a crowded shopping mall: "Don't forget, sweetheart, I need a new G string." What did the banjo player get on his IQ (or SAT) test? |
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