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Religious Jokes

Contents:
Miscellaneous | Jesus

Miscellaneous

Why do Monks always wear brown?
It's just their habit.

What's the difference between a Priest and a prostitute?
One has elicit sex with blokes in dark places and the other one is a prostitute.

A nun was laying in the bath when she heard a knock on the door. "Who is it?" she asked. "I'm the blind man," was the reply. "Come in" she said, having no shame as the man was blind. The man then entered, "Nice tits love, where do you want me to hang the blind."

God decided that he was going to have to end the world now because no one was being nice to each other, no one knew right from wrong anymore, and people weren't laughing enough. So he called the three most important people in the world together: Bill Clinton, Boris Yeltsin, and Bill Gates - and told them to go back to their people and tell them the world was ending.
Bill Clinton came back to his people and said, "I have good news and bad news. The good news is that I am one of the three most important people in the world. The bad news is that the world is ending tomorrow."
Boris Yeltsin came back to his people and said, "I have good news and bad news. The Good news is that I am one of the three most important people in the world. The bad news is that the world is ending tomorrow."
Bill Gates went back to Microsoft and assembled a giant meeting. "I have good news and Better news" he said. "The good news is that I am one of the three most important people in the world. The Better news is that we don't have to fix Windows '95!"

Once there were three men, Dave, John, and Sam, who were involved in a tragic car accident in which all three died. As they stood at the gates of Heaven St. Peter came up to them and said, "You will all be given a method of transportation for your eternal use around heaven. You will be judged on your past deeds, and will have your transport chosen accordingly." St. Peter looked at Dave and said, "You, Dave, were a bad man. You cheated on your wife four times! For this, you will drive around Heaven in an old beat up Dodge." Next St. Peter looked at John and said, "You, were not so evil, but you still cheated on your wife two times. For this, you will forever travel around heaven in a Toyota stationwagon." St. Peter finally looked at Sam, and said, "You, Sam, have set a fine example. You did not have sex until after marriage, and you never cheated on your wife! For this, you will forever travel through heaven in a Ferrari." A short time later, Jon and Dave pulled up in their cars next to Sam's Ferrari and there he is, sitting on the hood, head in hands, crying. "What's wrong, Sam?" they asked. "You got the Ferrari! You are set forever! Why so down?" Sam looked up, ever so slowly opened his mouth and cried, "I just saw my wife go by on a skate board!"

One day, a man and a priest were playing golf and the man had a 3 foot putt. He took the shot and missed, "Oh Bugger I missed," he shouted. The priest then said, "Look. If you swear, God will send a lightning bolt from Heaven and it will strike you down." The man acknowledged and then continued to play. Later on the man had a 2 foot putt. He missed again and shouted, "Bugger! I missed." The priest again said, "Listen to me, if you swear God will strike you down." They played on. A few holes later the man had a 1 foot putt. He lined up the shot... and missed. "Oh Bugger, I missed," he shouted. Then, a lightning bolt came down and hit the priest. "Oh Bugger, I missed," said God.

Three engineers were standing around talking one day bragging. One says, "You know, I'll bet God must be like a mechanical engineer. Look at our joints, how we're constructed... how much stress they can take. It's amazing!"
"Na", says the second engineer. "He must be more like an electrical engineer. Look at our nervous system. It's unbelievable!"
"No way", says the last engineer. "God must be more like a civil engineer. Why else would he build us with a large waste pipeline going right through a major recreational area?"

One day God, Moses, and an old man were playing golf. They were at the 3rd hole. Moses steps up and hits the ball. The ball goes into the water. Moses spread the water and hit the ball into the hole. "Hole in 2" he yells, "Beat that, Jesus." Jesus stepped up and hit the ball onto a lilly pad. He walked out onto the water and hit the ball into the hole. "Not bad if I say so myself" says Jesus. "Beat that, old man." The old man steps up and hits the ball, Just as the ball is about to hit the water, a turtle pops up and the ball bounces off of his back, flying onto the green where a jack rabbit runs by and knocks the ball into the hole. "A hole in one" says the old man. "I won."
Moses turned to Jesus and said "I hate it when your dad plays."

Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
Noah; he was floating his stock while everyone else was liquidating.

Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
That would be Pharaoh's daughter, who went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.

What kind of man was Boaz before he got married?
Ruth-less.

Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
Samson; he brought down the house.

Sister Catherine was asking all the Catholic school children in fourth grade what they want to be when they grow up. Little Sheila said, "When I grow up, I want to be a prostitute!" Sister Catherine's eyes grow wide and she barked, "What did you say?!"
"A prostitute!" Sheila exclaimed. Sister Catherine breathed a sight of relief and said "Whew! Thank God! I thought you said 'A Protestant'!"

Arthur took his college roommate, Samuel, home for Christmas, and after dinner, spoke to his father, "Dad, I need to tell you something. Samuel and I want to get married and we'd like your blessing." Arthur's father practically exploded, his face turned red, and was literally speechless for ten minutes. When he finally regained his composure, he replied, "Arthur, you cannot marry Samuel!!! For God's sake, Arthur,... he's Jewish!"

Adam and Eve were wandering through the Garden of Eden one day when God looked down and said, "Okay, kids, I only have a couple of things left here in my bag of goodies. Who wants the ability to urinate standing up?"
To which Eve immediately replied, "I do, God, may I have it?" So God granted her the ability, but Eve saw a look of such utter despair on Adam's face that meant he wanted the ability, that her generous spirit was moved and she said to God, "He may have it if he wants it so much."
So, God gave the ability to Adam instead, and he was so happy that he immediately ran behind a bush and urinated standing up. When he came back, Eve looked at God and said, "Well, do you have anything left for me?" And God looked back in the bag. Looking back at Eve he said, "....All I have left is multiple orgasms."

There were 4 women, who were very close to one another. Seeking spiritual enlightenment, they all decided to join a convent, and become nuns. After reaching the convent, they proceeded to find the Reverand Mother (the head nun), and ask for acceptance. After they had found her, the Reverand Mother explained to them that they must pass a test before being accepted in the convent. They all agreed, and were instructed to line up, single file, in front of the reverand mother's office, so they could all see the test taking place. The Reverand mother called in the first girl, instructed her to sit, then explained that she must answer a question before being accepted.
"Have you ever touched a penis my child?" asked the reverand mother.
"Yes, I have." replied the first girl"
"With what part of your body?"
"My finger" After the first girl finished answering the question, the Reverand mother produced a large bowl of Holy Water, then asked the girl to stick her finger in it to cleanse it of sin. The girl did, then was accepted into the convent. Then the second girl was called in. Again the Mother Reverand asked if she had ever touched a penis. After the second girl told that it was her hand she had used the Reverand mother instructed her to dip her hand into the Holy Water to cleanse the sin from her hand. Then the second girl was accepted into the convent. This continued with the third girl. But, immediately after the third girl had finished cleansing herself, the fourth girl ran into the office, jumped in front of the third girl, and screamed at the Reverand Mother "You must be crazing if you think I'm going to gargle that water after she's stuck her arse in it!"

How did Adam and Eve feel when expelled from the Garden of Eden?
They were really put out.

What is one of the first things that Adam and Eve did after they were kicked out of their garden?
They raised Cain.

What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
He said, "Your mother ate us out of house and home."

Who is the greatest baby-sitter mentioned in the Bible?
David; he rocked Goliath to sleep.

What do they call pastors in Germany?
German Shepherds.

What is the best way to get to Paradise?
Turn right and go straight.

Jesus Jokes

Why wasn't Jesus born in Mexico?
Because God couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.

Jesus was travelling and as night fell he entered an inn. He approached the owner and produced three nails while asking "Can you put me up for the night?"

Jesus was out walking one day, when he came across a stoning. Jesus looked at the crowd and then said: "Those amongst you who have no sin shall throw the first stone." A man at the back of the crowd yelled: "Jesus, you always want to go first!"

Why could Jesus walk on Water?
Shit floats.

[Visual Joke] What's this?
Visual: Knaw at the inside of your palm
Answer: Christ biting his nails

How come Jesus didn't go to college?
He got nailed on the boards.

How did Jesus die?
He got hit by a speed boat
[Submitted by Lilith]

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