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Sport Jokes

American Football

Why did the American Football team go to the phone booth?
To get their quarter back.

How many American Football players does it take to change a light bulb?
The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for it!

The huge college freshman decided to try out for the football team. "Can you tackle?" asked the coach. "Watch this," said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, shattering it to splinters. "Wow," said the coach. "I'm impressed. Can you run?"
"Of course I can run," said the freshman. He was off like a shot, and, in just over nine seconds, he had run a hundred yard dash. "Great!" enthused the coach. "But can you pass a football?" The freshman hesitated for a few seconds. "Well, sir," he said, "if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it."

What do Tornados and Dallas Cowboy fans have in common?
Sooner or later, they'll both end up in trailer parks!

Cricket

The two rival cricketers were talking. "The local team wants me to play for them very badly."
"Well, you're just the man for the job."

Child:"Good bowling!"
Father: Be silent.
Child:"Good owling!"

Bowler: HOWZAAAAAAAT?
Umpire: Not bad. Better luck next time.

The batsman had been out off the third ball and was back in the pavilion taking an early lunch of fish and chips. 'I don't think much of this batter,' he complained. 'You should talk,' replied the waitress.

The insects were having their annual cricket match. The captain was a Grasshopper, who turned to the Cricket and said, "Are you a bowler?"
"Of course," said the Cricket. "Who ever heard of a cricket bat?"

The two club members were talking. "What were the statistical records of the team's tour?"
"Well, as far as we can remember-about 387 gallons of beer and 47 pubs."

The teacher had asked the class to write an essay on cricket. With only a few minutes left, one boy had written nothing. Suddenly, he looked up at the clock, grabbed his pen and scribbled something on the paper. The teacher read out his essay: "No play today. Rain."

The coach was talking to the young lady cricketer. "Now, you must remember to get behind the ball."
"But it's the same all the way round!"

Football

A Celtic fan is walking home from a match in his Celtic kit. He fancies a drink, walks into a bar and found himself surrounded by blue and white. He's walked into a Rangers' bar. A deadly silence falls over the pub. Then the barman clears his throat and says, "In here, we give Celtic fans a toll of the dice. "If you roll one to five, we kill you."
The Celtic fan replies,"What happens if I roll a six?"
"You get to roll again."

Why aren't the England football team allowed to own a dog?
Because they can't hold on to a lead!

What's the difference between the England team and a tea-bag?
The tea-bag stays in the cup longer!

What's the difference between a box of sellotape and Phil Neville?
One's a glueless kit!

Why do English make better lovers than Portugese/Germans?
Because English are the only one's who can stay on top for 45 Minutes and still come second!

What is common between between a 3 pin plug and the England football team?
They are both useless in Europe!

What do you have if you've got 1000 Man Utd fans up to their necks in sand?
Not enough sand!

Golf

The schoolteacher was taking her first golfing lesson. "Is the word spelt p-u-t or p-u-t-t?" she asked the instructor. "P-u-t-t is correct," he replied. "Put means to place a thing where you want it. Putt means merely a vain attempt to do the same thing."

"What is a handicapped golfer?"
"One who plays with his boss," came the reply.

What do golf and sex have in common?
They're two things you can enjoy even if you're bad at both of them.

What do you call a blonde golfer with an IQ of 125?
A foursome.

The other day I was playing golf and I hit two of my best balls.
I stepped on a rake.

What is the difference between a lost golf ball and the G-spot?
A man will spend 5 minutes looking for the lost golf ball.

"Your trouble is that you're not addressing the ball correctly."
"Yeah, well I've been polite to the bloody thing for long enough."

A golfer has one advantage over a fisherman.
He doesn't have to produce anything to prove his story.

Did you hear about the player who spent too much time in the bunker?
He got mail addressed to Hitler.

Two guys are trying to get in a quick eighteen holes, but there are two terrible lady golfers in front of them hitting the ball everywhere but where it's supposed to go. The first guy says, "Why don't you go over and ask if we can play through?" The second guy gets about halfway there, turns and comes back. The first guy says, "What's wrong?" He says, "One of them is my wife, and the other is my mistress." The first guy says, "That could be a problem. I'll go over." He gets about halfway there and he turns and comes back, too. The second guy says, "What's wrong?" The first guy says, "Small world!"

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