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Women-Bashing Jokes

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time your woman brings it to the couch.

A man complaining to a friend: "I had it all - money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman... then... pow!... it was all gone!" "What happened?" asked the friend. "Ahhhh... my wife found out..."

Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, "Martha, pack up your things! I just won the National lottery!" Martha responds excitedly, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?!" The man responds, "I don't care ... just so long as you're out of the house by noon!"

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street bald and still think they are beautiful.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.

A man without a woman is like a fish without a bicycle.

If your wife and your lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to the cinema?

Why have women got small feet?
So they can get closer to the sink.

Why have women got legs?
To move between the kitchen and the bedroom.

How do you know when it's time to wash dishes and clean the house?
Look inside your pants; if you have a penis, it's not time.

Why do women pay more attention to their faces than their minds?
Because even thought men may, at time, be a little stupid, they aren't blind.

What's the difference between a dog howling on the back porch, and a women howling on the front porch?
The dog shuts up when you let it in.

Did you hear about the new home appliance?
You screw it on the bed and it does all the housework.

How do you tell if a girl is wearing panty hose?
Her ankles swell when she farts.

Did you hear about the big drug bust at the airport the other day?
Yeah, they lifted up this ladies skirt and found 50 pounds of crack.

Why does the bride always wear white?
Because it is always a good idea to have the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.

How do you change a woman's mind?
Buy her another beer.

How can you tell if your wife is dead?
The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long.

How is a woman like a condom?
Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

Why is a woman like Kentucky Fried Chicken?
By the time you've finished with the breast and thighs, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.

What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?
A whore sleeps with everybody at the party, and a bitch sleeps with everybody at the party except you.

How many divorced Women does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
4. 1 to screw in the bulb, 3 to form a support group.

Why did god invent alcohol?
So fat women can get laid too.

Why do women have two sets of lips?
So they can piss and moan at the same time.

What is the difference between your job and your wife?
After 20 years your job still sucks.

What do you do if your boiler explodes?
Buy her some flowers.

Why has women got two holes?
So you can carry them like a six pack.

Why are women smarter while their having sex?
They're plugged into a genius.

What do you call a room full of women with PMS and yeast infections?
A whine and cheese party.

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me . . ."

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman that won't do what she's told.

I married Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It is called Wedding Cake.

Marriage is a 3 ring circus:
Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.

Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?"
And I said, "Dust!"

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."

What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
Divorced.

What is the difference between a vitamin and a hormone?
You can't hear a vitamin.

How do you make a hormone?
Don't pay her.

Whats the difference between your wife and your washing machine?
You don't have to hug your washing machine for twenty minutes after you dump your load in it.

Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
Two mothers-in-law.

The Perfect Breakfast: You sit down for breakfast and proudly look at your All-American son's picture on the back of the "Wheaties" box, your mistress is on the cover of the new "Playboy" and your wifes photograph is on the back of the milk carton, "Missing".

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